Well, Junpei's a smart fucking guy, so I'll take that as a compliment.
[ her arms stay folded. ] Look. People don't like talking to me either. I'm abrasive and I say the shit that's on my mind, and people don't like that. I get it. I'm not unsympathetic. We all have shit to work on, and clearly I'm not doing too well at not losing my fucking temper.
[ deep breath. calm down. ] Huaisang is someone you were never going to get along with, that's just a fact. And you don't owe him anything, just like he doesn't owe you anything.
You didn't have a lot of time to get to know me so I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I will tell you if it was Asch that I remind you of, that's where you fucked up. That's who Huaisang thought you meant and he doesn't like the way Asch treats me, so you had next to zero chance of making decent conversation. He also mentioned you said keeping everyone at a distance was easier for me like it was fact, which it isn't, and Huaisang, who knows me better than anybody, decided you didn't know what you were talking about and stopping engaging.
I'm not saying anybody was wrong or right in this, but it is what it is. You're not gonna get an explanation from him.
[Whatever he was about to say, explaination or defense, seems to get completely zipped back in an instant that's almost tangible, like a slap to the face. That was a lot of assumptions being thrown straight back at him, about what he'd said, about what he'd meant. But they are all ones that he knows he has no point in arguing over.
So... it's fine. Nie Huaisang had painted him a fool, and it wasn't the first time he would have to accept that. So just like that, the moment is gone, swallowed back down.]
It's fine. I knew I wouldn't.
I didn't bring you out here to just talk about him, anyway. It just felt wrong not to say something.
I'm not trying to make things worse. I just think having some measure of an idea of where he's coming from in return is something you deserve to know about.
[ ... ] You brought me out here to talk to me about my wicked murdering ways, anyway.
It's good to know. I appreciate it. My intention was never to hurt him, or to try and paint you in some weird light, like you were some carbon copy of Asch or something. Because you're not. All I told him was you remind me of someone I know pretty well. And as much as I pretend otherwise, I don't know Asch hardly at all. But I guess he thinks otherwise, so that's not an argument I'm going to win with him.
[Another shrug, though.]
I came to just talk, Beau. You gave me my answer. I just wanted to hear what happened, if you'd be willing. My anger about circumstance aside, that doesn't change that I've been worried about you.
Didn't seem very worried earlier. [ she sighs, tilting her head back. ]
I had a shitty time. I had to kill people, say the word that got someone I care about caught for murder, watch that same someone be stabbed in the fucking neck with a pen and die right in front of me, and then I had to keep going. That's what happened. [ she says, flatly. ] What do you want to know? From the start? What do you think you're missing? I can fill in the gaps.
[...There's a laugh, humorless, but what it's directed towards is hard for pinpoint.]
Damn these stupid games. [A muttering. He can't seem to look at her.]
You can start from the beginning if you want. I just feel like sometimes, explaining things might not be needed. Sometimes you just need to talk about how much it just sucked, damn the logic of it all.
You guys went through hell and back for the sake of making it make sense somehow. Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but I got the idea everyone already has been asking you for the why. So... you know...
Screw that for right now. I'll hear you out if you really want to piece it together, but i'd rather just hear you tell this place off in the way I figure only you can.
[ she shoves her hands in her pockets, and leans against the closest surface she can find. ]
No, actually. Nobody asks me for the why. They assume the why, and make judgments on me after. [ she says, voice carefully even. ] Everybody in this place suffered. I'm not gonna make some grand statement, like.
I don't know. I got asked to kill. I did it. I killed two people with emotions that came out of me. I watched it rip Hikage's eye out. I watched it chase Minako down. Dying is awful. I won't take that away from people. [ she closes her eyes. ] But as someone who has done both, watching the light leave someone's eyes is worse.
And honestly, I'm real fucking tired of making room for other people to be upset and not getting any space to talk about how - fucked, how gutted I have been. I will not ever fucking be the same again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ her arms stay folded. ] Look. People don't like talking to me either. I'm abrasive and I say the shit that's on my mind, and people don't like that. I get it. I'm not unsympathetic. We all have shit to work on, and clearly I'm not doing too well at not losing my fucking temper.
[ deep breath. calm down. ] Huaisang is someone you were never going to get along with, that's just a fact. And you don't owe him anything, just like he doesn't owe you anything.
You didn't have a lot of time to get to know me so I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I will tell you if it was Asch that I remind you of, that's where you fucked up. That's who Huaisang thought you meant and he doesn't like the way Asch treats me, so you had next to zero chance of making decent conversation. He also mentioned you said keeping everyone at a distance was easier for me like it was fact, which it isn't, and Huaisang, who knows me better than anybody, decided you didn't know what you were talking about and stopping engaging.
I'm not saying anybody was wrong or right in this, but it is what it is. You're not gonna get an explanation from him.
no subject
So... it's fine. Nie Huaisang had painted him a fool, and it wasn't the first time he would have to accept that. So just like that, the moment is gone, swallowed back down.]
It's fine. I knew I wouldn't.
I didn't bring you out here to just talk about him, anyway. It just felt wrong not to say something.
no subject
I'm not trying to make things worse. I just think having some measure of an idea of where he's coming from in return is something you deserve to know about.
[ ... ] You brought me out here to talk to me about my wicked murdering ways, anyway.
no subject
[Another shrug, though.]
I came to just talk, Beau. You gave me my answer. I just wanted to hear what happened, if you'd be willing. My anger about circumstance aside, that doesn't change that I've been worried about you.
no subject
I had a shitty time. I had to kill people, say the word that got someone I care about caught for murder, watch that same someone be stabbed in the fucking neck with a pen and die right in front of me, and then I had to keep going. That's what happened. [ she says, flatly. ] What do you want to know? From the start? What do you think you're missing? I can fill in the gaps.
no subject
Damn these stupid games. [A muttering. He can't seem to look at her.]
You can start from the beginning if you want. I just feel like sometimes, explaining things might not be needed. Sometimes you just need to talk about how much it just sucked, damn the logic of it all.
You guys went through hell and back for the sake of making it make sense somehow. Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but I got the idea everyone already has been asking you for the why. So... you know...
Screw that for right now. I'll hear you out if you really want to piece it together, but i'd rather just hear you tell this place off in the way I figure only you can.
no subject
No, actually. Nobody asks me for the why. They assume the why, and make judgments on me after. [ she says, voice carefully even. ] Everybody in this place suffered. I'm not gonna make some grand statement, like.
I don't know. I got asked to kill. I did it. I killed two people with emotions that came out of me. I watched it rip Hikage's eye out. I watched it chase Minako down. Dying is awful. I won't take that away from people. [ she closes her eyes. ] But as someone who has done both, watching the light leave someone's eyes is worse.
And honestly, I'm real fucking tired of making room for other people to be upset and not getting any space to talk about how - fucked, how gutted I have been. I will not ever fucking be the same again.