It's not that. [ she mutters, but she's distracted. she's breathing kind of harshly, or at least - a little more than usual. she's got a permanent grimace now. her shoulder is throbbing, her head hurts.
This is fucking stupid. [ she's already tired of being injured. she's used to pushing what she can do, but she's had two clerics at her back for a while now and not having that here... well. ]
Just gimme a second. [ and she just. sits down. right where she's at, she sits in the middle of the road. ]
His hands flex tightly at his sides, mentally steeling himself from all the kneejerk reactions he knows by heart, like a child approaching a spider unsure of whether it will move or not, heart pounding in his throat. But he knows, he KNOWS he has to do something.
The rush of adrenaline makes his head run cold, quiet and expression locked as he stiffly breaks the space between them to kneel next to her and hook her against his arms, his voice hoarse.]
...Sorry.
[That's all she's getting before he's lifting her up and immediately continuing down the path with Beau in a princess carry.]
[It's firm, Guy pointedly looking straight forward and not stopping his movements, even though the palor on his face is incredibly noticeable. There's strength behind the carry, and yet his arms are still shaking, his grip against her tense, as though he feels he may drop her at any moment. Everything is a rush of adrenaline, of a sheer power of will fighting against something else entirely.
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. You're fine. She needs help. Remember that she needs help.
...
He still doesn't stop. But after a long moment, he speaks up again, his voice clipped.]
You can talk. [Remind him that this is Beau, this is now, and--] Just don't move. Please.
[ she says, concerned. ] I don't know what to talk about. It feels weird to try and distract you from something I'm causing, like.
[ she is doing her best to stay still here. guy's going to notice she's like, burning to the touch, if he can focus on anything but his panic. she's feverishly hot, all over. ]
[In contrast, he's extremely cool - if there's any touch against his skin, then the surface is much smoother to the touch that it appears, like a rock carved from the flow of a river. Is there steam between the two of them because of this? Possibly, mildly, if there is skin-to-skin contact.]
It's not your fault.
[He lets out a shuddering breath, chest shaking.]
T-this was a choice. That's important to me. Okay?
[Keep it together. You're doing fine, the heat isn't related, the weight isn't related, the voice isn't related. He can feel it clawing at the sides of his mind, the taste of fear sour in his mouth.
It's fine. It's just Beau. It's fine.
He adjusts her in his grip, just slightly, as though he's trying to be more aware of how she's resting, trying not to hurt her. But he still can't bear to look down.]
Do you remember a lot about where you grew up, Beau? When you were really young.
[ choice. choices, god. it makes her think of asch, and she just frowns the whole way. ]
... Yeah. [ she closes her eyes. ] I grew up in a place called Kamordah. It's at the base of a mountain and the whole place is a shithole. It's rocks and geysers and scrublands. It's mostly brown and grey.
The soil is full of all these weird minerals? It smells like jasmine most of the time, but every once in a while you get a spray of a geyser and it's just sulfur smell for hours.
All the kids who grow up there always smell like jasmine, though. Like it's in their bones, in their skin.
[It doesn't make the gnawing of his fear go away. The fight is active, just like always. But to focus on her story, on something tangible, especially with her descriptions... it helps, just a little, to try to picture that and not what his mind is trying to force back up like a horrible illness.
They're nearly to the village proper now, the southern paths behind them. Just.... to the portal, then to the cabins. To the portal, to the cabins. It's not a horrible walk, but right now it feels like it's lasting a lifetime.
His voice is still clipped, but he's definitely listening, his pulse pounding madly.]
I'm guessing that's before your family found the land for the wine, right?
No, that's - that's the place we grew the grapes, actually.
[ she's trying to keep her voice even and calm for him. ] Nobody lived in the area because nothing else grows there. Except for these damn grapes. They only grow in that soil, and they make really fucking good wine. My dad got the land for cheap because a hag told him to grab it before anybody else could. And turns out he struck it rich because of that.
[ she watches the slight bit of steam come off their arms. ]
Sounds like it. But if the land was that bleak... why would anyone deliberately want to live there, much less raise a family? From what you said, i-it sounds like he wasn't expecting that to be such a success.
Fathers like that tend to not give a damn about much else.
[His fingers tighten against her, jaw setting -- but it's something he CAN'T think about, not right now.
The portal tree is within a short distance now, just barely in sight past the small clustering of buildings amidst the village. He's beelining, trying to watch his step as he goes--
For a brief moment, he stumbles. There's a choking sound from the back of his throat, gripping her tight, but he regains his footing and keeps moving, a cloud slowly pressing over his eyes.
You didn't even have to do that. It's fine. [ she says, taking a deep breath. she'd winced, at the stumble - tensed all over. she forces herself to relax, eye closed briefly. the second he gets to the portal she's going to do her very best to get out of his arms as quickly as she can. ]
[There's a nervous laugh that bubbles up at the retort.] H-hey, no. Knock it off with that.
If you're going to go feeling bad about this, then just... c-consider it an act of affection for Heart or something, alright?
[Letting her keep her pride was one thing. Letting it batter her to the ground was another. She really is a nice girl, even if she's rough around the edges. Seeing her suffer is...
...
As soon as they reach the portal, he slows, carefully lowering her enough to get her footing. There's a visible flinch one she pulls away of her own action, Guy having to take a couple steps back on reflex.]
... I can walk you back to the cabins, if you want.
[ it's the worst because her go-to with this sort of thing is to touch. she's a physical creature, reassuring with hands on shoulders or hugs, but she knows that'll just make this worse.
she gets her footing, and brings her arm in to clutch it to her chest. ]
[A laugh, bright and sunny, if not kind of sheepish.] Shouldn't I be the one asking you? I'm not the one walking around with freshly healing wounds or anything.
[Now that there's distance, he's slowly relaxing, that tension unwinding as the color starts to return to his face.]
...I'll be fine, Beau. You don't have to believe me if you don't want to. But the fact that I could help you at all without making things worse... that's what's more important to me.
Focusing on how I can help other people is just part of how I conquer what I'm afraid of. My feelings will settle.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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I am myself, constantly, without apologizing for it, and that's the fucking problem, most of the time.
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[...YYyyep, noticing that drop in speed, though, especially when he starts to outpace her. He'll halt where he is, brow furrowing.]
...Easy, easy. [this was a BAD IDEA.]
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deep, steadying breath. ]
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His voice falls firm, even though it's quiet.]
Beau, hey, stop. Stop for a second. We aren't going any further like this.
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This is fucking stupid. [ she's already tired of being injured. she's used to pushing what she can do, but she's had two clerics at her back for a while now and not having that here... well. ]
Just gimme a second. [ and she just. sits down. right where she's at, she sits in the middle of the road. ]
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act now, Guy, or regret it
...
...
His hands flex tightly at his sides, mentally steeling himself from all the kneejerk reactions he knows by heart, like a child approaching a spider unsure of whether it will move or not, heart pounding in his throat. But he knows, he KNOWS he has to do something.
The rush of adrenaline makes his head run cold, quiet and expression locked as he stiffly breaks the space between them to kneel next to her and hook her against his arms, his voice hoarse.]
...Sorry.
[That's all she's getting before he's lifting her up and immediately continuing down the path with Beau in a princess carry.]
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Don't - don't apologize to me. [ beau hisses, completely still. ] Put me down, don't fucking torture yourself.
[ at least she's trying to not touch him as much as possible? ]
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[It's firm, Guy pointedly looking straight forward and not stopping his movements, even though the palor on his face is incredibly noticeable. There's strength behind the carry, and yet his arms are still shaking, his grip against her tense, as though he feels he may drop her at any moment. Everything is a rush of adrenaline, of a sheer power of will fighting against something else entirely.
It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. It's fine. You're fine. She needs help. Remember that she needs help.
...
He still doesn't stop. But after a long moment, he speaks up again, his voice clipped.]
You can talk. [Remind him that this is Beau, this is now, and--] Just don't move. Please.
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[ she says, concerned. ] I don't know what to talk about. It feels weird to try and distract you from something I'm causing, like.
[ she is doing her best to stay still here. guy's going to notice she's like, burning to the touch, if he can focus on anything but his panic. she's feverishly hot, all over. ]
I can babble, I guess. If that helps.
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It's not your fault.
[He lets out a shuddering breath, chest shaking.]
T-this was a choice. That's important to me. Okay?
[Keep it together. You're doing fine, the heat isn't related, the weight isn't related, the voice isn't related. He can feel it clawing at the sides of his mind, the taste of fear sour in his mouth.
It's fine. It's just Beau. It's fine.
He adjusts her in his grip, just slightly, as though he's trying to be more aware of how she's resting, trying not to hurt her. But he still can't bear to look down.]
Do you remember a lot about where you grew up, Beau? When you were really young.
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... Yeah. [ she closes her eyes. ] I grew up in a place called Kamordah. It's at the base of a mountain and the whole place is a shithole. It's rocks and geysers and scrublands. It's mostly brown and grey.
The soil is full of all these weird minerals? It smells like jasmine most of the time, but every once in a while you get a spray of a geyser and it's just sulfur smell for hours.
All the kids who grow up there always smell like jasmine, though. Like it's in their bones, in their skin.
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They're nearly to the village proper now, the southern paths behind them. Just.... to the portal, then to the cabins. To the portal, to the cabins. It's not a horrible walk, but right now it feels like it's lasting a lifetime.
His voice is still clipped, but he's definitely listening, his pulse pounding madly.]
I'm guessing that's before your family found the land for the wine, right?
How did you end up in a place like that?
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[ she's trying to keep her voice even and calm for him. ] Nobody lived in the area because nothing else grows there. Except for these damn grapes. They only grow in that soil, and they make really fucking good wine. My dad got the land for cheap because a hag told him to grab it before anybody else could. And turns out he struck it rich because of that.
[ she watches the slight bit of steam come off their arms. ]
He got lucky.
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Sounds like it. But if the land was that bleak... why would anyone deliberately want to live there, much less raise a family? From what you said, i-it sounds like he wasn't expecting that to be such a success.
Did he not have much of a choice?
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He didn't really give a shit about the family part. Just the success part.
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Can't imagine how he must have treated you, then.
Fathers like that tend to not give a damn about much else.
[His fingers tighten against her, jaw setting -- but it's something he CAN'T think about, not right now.
The portal tree is within a short distance now, just barely in sight past the small clustering of buildings amidst the village. He's beelining, trying to watch his step as he goes--
For a brief moment, he stumbles. There's a choking sound from the back of his throat, gripping her tight, but he regains his footing and keeps moving, a cloud slowly pressing over his eyes.
It's fine i'm scared It's FINE i'm scared It's--
...]
Sorry.
Just to the portal. Is that alright...
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You didn't even have to do that. It's fine. [ she says, taking a deep breath. she'd winced, at the stumble - tensed all over. she forces herself to relax, eye closed briefly. the second he gets to the portal she's going to do her very best to get out of his arms as quickly as she can. ]
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If you're going to go feeling bad about this, then just... c-consider it an act of affection for Heart or something, alright?
[Letting her keep her pride was one thing. Letting it batter her to the ground was another. She really is a nice girl, even if she's rough around the edges. Seeing her suffer is...
...
As soon as they reach the portal, he slows, carefully lowering her enough to get her footing. There's a visible flinch one she pulls away of her own action, Guy having to take a couple steps back on reflex.]
... I can walk you back to the cabins, if you want.
No more touching. Promise.
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she gets her footing, and brings her arm in to clutch it to her chest. ]
... You okay? [ before anything. ]
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[Now that there's distance, he's slowly relaxing, that tension unwinding as the color starts to return to his face.]
...I'll be fine, Beau. You don't have to believe me if you don't want to. But the fact that I could help you at all without making things worse... that's what's more important to me.
Focusing on how I can help other people is just part of how I conquer what I'm afraid of. My feelings will settle.