No, I don't resent her. [ that's genuine enough. ] I'm a little mad that she's not getting as much fucking flack but whatever.
[ a long pause. ] It wouldn't have earned anything. Maybe people would've thought I was less of a monster.
I fought tooth and nail to stay alive so someone wouldn't have to take my place. I won't apologize for that. The thought of cursing someone to have to be in this position was worse to me than my own shit eating me from the inside out.
She did. I can't count the number of letters she got the week people found out she killed Yu. It might have not been in person, but I don't think she escaped the scorn just because she let herself be killed by this place. [She had to brace for Yu. For him. Remembering the moment she knelt before him on the concrete expecting him to strike her down without hesitation is an image he can't rip from his mind.]
...
Regardless of why, that blood has to stay on your hands. And the worst thing to do with the lives that weigh upon you is to act as though whatever you fought for wasn't worth what you had to do. Whether if it was a mistake, or was forced, or was chosen.
So... even if that weight tears you apart and keeps you from sleeping, even if it makes you have to question things and change relationships... you still have to keep living.
[ she bristles, but she doesn't say anything about shinobu. ]
Don't make so many assumptions about my current state of mind, Guy. The game was different. That was how I felt then. [ she folds her arms. a little dryly: ] No. Majima didn't tell me what happened. Surprisingly, you didn't come up much.
You can correct me if you want, you know. [A wry response back.] You could say assuming is a bad habit of mine. It's not like I could talk to you until now, and Huaisang didn't really want anything to do with me after he joined us. Tried to talk to him. Tried to send you a note about it through Yin Yu, as well, but... well, it bounced back.
[haha. Anyway.]
I killed three people back at the temple. Two by my hand, and a third who took my place in execution. I did it to save someone I cared about. But pretty much everyone stopped wanting to associate with me after that. I was the monster that got away, and for most of the time, I didn't care how it made me look to others.
You know, the more I hear about people telling me they were killers in their own games, the more angry I get about who just cannot fucking find it within them to understand my shit.
[ it's the first time she's snapped the whole time, but she at least realizes it. her lips purse. her voice is calmer when she speaks next, though guy might be able to tell it's forced. ]
Huaisang doesn't like you because of the assumption thing. He told me you made a lot of those, about both me and him. [ ... ] And that you forced emotion sharing on him, which I'm not happy about, either.
[He shrugs again. If she's expecting him to get angry in return, she'll probably be disappointed.]
Yeah, I figured. I didn't have a lot to work off of, and that bled into a lot of things. I has suspicions and wanted to run them off someone who knew you, and it came across pretty poorly. I won't say I was right at all. I was just frustrated.
The emotion share... I touched him once, when he ran off with a note from you, because he looked miserable. I had told him I'd be there to talk, and that's all I passed along with the touch. He probably found it intrusive. But he spent the entire time he was there hiding away in a corner from everyone.
He didn't want to talk. He barely wanted to eat. And our single conversation made it pretty clear we weren't going to get along. But I had to try something, even if it earned me his hatred.
I wanted to be able to tell you that someone didn't hate himn when we got back. That someone was making sure he could be alright. It just didn't work out that way.
[ she's expecting to get scolded, but he doesn't. it doesn't ease her tension, but she's a little less pissy about it. she folds her arms. ]
It was intrusive. Yeah. He's a private person, he doesn't respond well to people getting in his space aggressively like that. I can see how he'd think it was suspicious. I imagine he figured people were going to try to be nice to him in order to weasel details out of him about what happened, and I don't think he's entirely off base with that.
What he told me is that you said I remind you of someone, and he disagreed vehemently, but didn't think it was worth it to correct you.
[ ... ] I can appreciate what you were trying to do. And I can appreciate that someone was trying to watch him when I couldn't.
...You sound way too much like Junpei. [haha rock crimes...]
Sorry. It's not that I don't try to listen. Hearing that I've gotten that bad at it isn't... [He trails off, an odd hesitancy.] It's something I have to work on. I just... get used to having to do it all in my head now, you know? If no one wants to talk to you once they get past the nicer words, then there's not much you can do but fill in blanks on your own.
[It sucks.]
Anyway... I think I can understand that much, when it comes to Huaisang. Call it petty of me, maybe, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. I knew I owed him an apology after how angry he got. But I didn't want to go trying to talk to him again and just making things worse, either.
It's why I tried to keep my distance afterward. I made a bad enough impression that I don't think anything I could have said or done would have taken the color out of his view of me. I regret not trying harder, but... who knows. I was tired. We all were. And he was just focused on making sure you were okay.
It's why I didn't specify at the time that you really remind me of someone. It's why I wanted to believe in you. But I figure he might have made some guesses, so... I wasn't about to argue with him, either. He knows you way better than I do. I didn't get the time I wanted to talk more with you and come to my own conclusions. So I just had to go off of faith.
Well, Junpei's a smart fucking guy, so I'll take that as a compliment.
[ her arms stay folded. ] Look. People don't like talking to me either. I'm abrasive and I say the shit that's on my mind, and people don't like that. I get it. I'm not unsympathetic. We all have shit to work on, and clearly I'm not doing too well at not losing my fucking temper.
[ deep breath. calm down. ] Huaisang is someone you were never going to get along with, that's just a fact. And you don't owe him anything, just like he doesn't owe you anything.
You didn't have a lot of time to get to know me so I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I will tell you if it was Asch that I remind you of, that's where you fucked up. That's who Huaisang thought you meant and he doesn't like the way Asch treats me, so you had next to zero chance of making decent conversation. He also mentioned you said keeping everyone at a distance was easier for me like it was fact, which it isn't, and Huaisang, who knows me better than anybody, decided you didn't know what you were talking about and stopping engaging.
I'm not saying anybody was wrong or right in this, but it is what it is. You're not gonna get an explanation from him.
[Whatever he was about to say, explaination or defense, seems to get completely zipped back in an instant that's almost tangible, like a slap to the face. That was a lot of assumptions being thrown straight back at him, about what he'd said, about what he'd meant. But they are all ones that he knows he has no point in arguing over.
So... it's fine. Nie Huaisang had painted him a fool, and it wasn't the first time he would have to accept that. So just like that, the moment is gone, swallowed back down.]
It's fine. I knew I wouldn't.
I didn't bring you out here to just talk about him, anyway. It just felt wrong not to say something.
I'm not trying to make things worse. I just think having some measure of an idea of where he's coming from in return is something you deserve to know about.
[ ... ] You brought me out here to talk to me about my wicked murdering ways, anyway.
It's good to know. I appreciate it. My intention was never to hurt him, or to try and paint you in some weird light, like you were some carbon copy of Asch or something. Because you're not. All I told him was you remind me of someone I know pretty well. And as much as I pretend otherwise, I don't know Asch hardly at all. But I guess he thinks otherwise, so that's not an argument I'm going to win with him.
[Another shrug, though.]
I came to just talk, Beau. You gave me my answer. I just wanted to hear what happened, if you'd be willing. My anger about circumstance aside, that doesn't change that I've been worried about you.
Didn't seem very worried earlier. [ she sighs, tilting her head back. ]
I had a shitty time. I had to kill people, say the word that got someone I care about caught for murder, watch that same someone be stabbed in the fucking neck with a pen and die right in front of me, and then I had to keep going. That's what happened. [ she says, flatly. ] What do you want to know? From the start? What do you think you're missing? I can fill in the gaps.
[...There's a laugh, humorless, but what it's directed towards is hard for pinpoint.]
Damn these stupid games. [A muttering. He can't seem to look at her.]
You can start from the beginning if you want. I just feel like sometimes, explaining things might not be needed. Sometimes you just need to talk about how much it just sucked, damn the logic of it all.
You guys went through hell and back for the sake of making it make sense somehow. Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but I got the idea everyone already has been asking you for the why. So... you know...
Screw that for right now. I'll hear you out if you really want to piece it together, but i'd rather just hear you tell this place off in the way I figure only you can.
[ she shoves her hands in her pockets, and leans against the closest surface she can find. ]
No, actually. Nobody asks me for the why. They assume the why, and make judgments on me after. [ she says, voice carefully even. ] Everybody in this place suffered. I'm not gonna make some grand statement, like.
I don't know. I got asked to kill. I did it. I killed two people with emotions that came out of me. I watched it rip Hikage's eye out. I watched it chase Minako down. Dying is awful. I won't take that away from people. [ she closes her eyes. ] But as someone who has done both, watching the light leave someone's eyes is worse.
And honestly, I'm real fucking tired of making room for other people to be upset and not getting any space to talk about how - fucked, how gutted I have been. I will not ever fucking be the same again.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ a long pause. ] It wouldn't have earned anything. Maybe people would've thought I was less of a monster.
I fought tooth and nail to stay alive so someone wouldn't have to take my place. I won't apologize for that. The thought of cursing someone to have to be in this position was worse to me than my own shit eating me from the inside out.
no subject
...
Regardless of why, that blood has to stay on your hands. And the worst thing to do with the lives that weigh upon you is to act as though whatever you fought for wasn't worth what you had to do. Whether if it was a mistake, or was forced, or was chosen.
So... even if that weight tears you apart and keeps you from sleeping, even if it makes you have to question things and change relationships... you still have to keep living.
Did Majima ever tell you what happened?
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Don't make so many assumptions about my current state of mind, Guy. The game was different. That was how I felt then. [ she folds her arms. a little dryly: ] No. Majima didn't tell me what happened. Surprisingly, you didn't come up much.
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[A wry response back.] You could say assuming is a bad habit of mine. It's not like I could talk to you until now, and Huaisang didn't really want anything to do with me after he joined us. Tried to talk to him. Tried to send you a note about it through Yin Yu, as well, but... well, it bounced back.
[haha. Anyway.]
I killed three people back at the temple. Two by my hand, and a third who took my place in execution. I did it to save someone I cared about. But pretty much everyone stopped wanting to associate with me after that. I was the monster that got away, and for most of the time, I didn't care how it made me look to others.
no subject
[ it's the first time she's snapped the whole time, but she at least realizes it. her lips purse. her voice is calmer when she speaks next, though guy might be able to tell it's forced. ]
Huaisang doesn't like you because of the assumption thing. He told me you made a lot of those, about both me and him. [ ... ] And that you forced emotion sharing on him, which I'm not happy about, either.
no subject
Yeah, I figured. I didn't have a lot to work off of, and that bled into a lot of things. I has suspicions and wanted to run them off someone who knew you, and it came across pretty poorly. I won't say I was right at all. I was just frustrated.
The emotion share... I touched him once, when he ran off with a note from you, because he looked miserable. I had told him I'd be there to talk, and that's all I passed along with the touch. He probably found it intrusive. But he spent the entire time he was there hiding away in a corner from everyone.
He didn't want to talk. He barely wanted to eat. And our single conversation made it pretty clear we weren't going to get along. But I had to try something, even if it earned me his hatred.
I wanted to be able to tell you that someone didn't hate himn when we got back. That someone was making sure he could be alright. It just didn't work out that way.
no subject
It was intrusive. Yeah. He's a private person, he doesn't respond well to people getting in his space aggressively like that. I can see how he'd think it was suspicious. I imagine he figured people were going to try to be nice to him in order to weasel details out of him about what happened, and I don't think he's entirely off base with that.
What he told me is that you said I remind you of someone, and he disagreed vehemently, but didn't think it was worth it to correct you.
[ ... ] I can appreciate what you were trying to do. And I can appreciate that someone was trying to watch him when I couldn't.
But assume less. Listen more.
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Sorry. It's not that I don't try to listen. Hearing that I've gotten that bad at it isn't... [He trails off, an odd hesitancy.] It's something I have to work on. I just... get used to having to do it all in my head now, you know? If no one wants to talk to you once they get past the nicer words, then there's not much you can do but fill in blanks on your own.
[It sucks.]
Anyway... I think I can understand that much, when it comes to Huaisang. Call it petty of me, maybe, but I didn't know what else to do at the time. I knew I owed him an apology after how angry he got. But I didn't want to go trying to talk to him again and just making things worse, either.
It's why I tried to keep my distance afterward. I made a bad enough impression that I don't think anything I could have said or done would have taken the color out of his view of me. I regret not trying harder, but... who knows. I was tired. We all were. And he was just focused on making sure you were okay.
It's why I didn't specify at the time that you really remind me of someone. It's why I wanted to believe in you. But I figure he might have made some guesses, so... I wasn't about to argue with him, either. He knows you way better than I do. I didn't get the time I wanted to talk more with you and come to my own conclusions. So I just had to go off of faith.
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[ her arms stay folded. ] Look. People don't like talking to me either. I'm abrasive and I say the shit that's on my mind, and people don't like that. I get it. I'm not unsympathetic. We all have shit to work on, and clearly I'm not doing too well at not losing my fucking temper.
[ deep breath. calm down. ] Huaisang is someone you were never going to get along with, that's just a fact. And you don't owe him anything, just like he doesn't owe you anything.
You didn't have a lot of time to get to know me so I'll take it with a grain of salt, but I will tell you if it was Asch that I remind you of, that's where you fucked up. That's who Huaisang thought you meant and he doesn't like the way Asch treats me, so you had next to zero chance of making decent conversation. He also mentioned you said keeping everyone at a distance was easier for me like it was fact, which it isn't, and Huaisang, who knows me better than anybody, decided you didn't know what you were talking about and stopping engaging.
I'm not saying anybody was wrong or right in this, but it is what it is. You're not gonna get an explanation from him.
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So... it's fine. Nie Huaisang had painted him a fool, and it wasn't the first time he would have to accept that. So just like that, the moment is gone, swallowed back down.]
It's fine. I knew I wouldn't.
I didn't bring you out here to just talk about him, anyway. It just felt wrong not to say something.
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I'm not trying to make things worse. I just think having some measure of an idea of where he's coming from in return is something you deserve to know about.
[ ... ] You brought me out here to talk to me about my wicked murdering ways, anyway.
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[Another shrug, though.]
I came to just talk, Beau. You gave me my answer. I just wanted to hear what happened, if you'd be willing. My anger about circumstance aside, that doesn't change that I've been worried about you.
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I had a shitty time. I had to kill people, say the word that got someone I care about caught for murder, watch that same someone be stabbed in the fucking neck with a pen and die right in front of me, and then I had to keep going. That's what happened. [ she says, flatly. ] What do you want to know? From the start? What do you think you're missing? I can fill in the gaps.
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Damn these stupid games. [A muttering. He can't seem to look at her.]
You can start from the beginning if you want. I just feel like sometimes, explaining things might not be needed. Sometimes you just need to talk about how much it just sucked, damn the logic of it all.
You guys went through hell and back for the sake of making it make sense somehow. Correct me if I'm wrong, please, but I got the idea everyone already has been asking you for the why. So... you know...
Screw that for right now. I'll hear you out if you really want to piece it together, but i'd rather just hear you tell this place off in the way I figure only you can.
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No, actually. Nobody asks me for the why. They assume the why, and make judgments on me after. [ she says, voice carefully even. ] Everybody in this place suffered. I'm not gonna make some grand statement, like.
I don't know. I got asked to kill. I did it. I killed two people with emotions that came out of me. I watched it rip Hikage's eye out. I watched it chase Minako down. Dying is awful. I won't take that away from people. [ she closes her eyes. ] But as someone who has done both, watching the light leave someone's eyes is worse.
And honestly, I'm real fucking tired of making room for other people to be upset and not getting any space to talk about how - fucked, how gutted I have been. I will not ever fucking be the same again.