[ yin yu's quiet as he processes it, letting the information settle on his shoulders. three deaths. guy doesn't get to see any sort of reaction--his face is still covered, so it's just the impassive face of the ghost faced mask looking back at him for a moment. ]
Why didn't it? [ he'd like to hear the whole story. ]
Another person took my place. They told me to be honest about what happened, and why, were I to survive... and then traded spots with me behind my back.
[It's a cold recollection, the idea of someone taking his place. It was cruel.]
It wasn't by my blade. But their blood is still on my hands.
the amount of guilt that must have been weighing on guy's shoulders for such a thing to happen.
one of the things that yin yu caught onto about guy from the beginning was a sense of camaraderie. it's something that can't really be replicated with the others he's gotten to know here - there's always a sense that he's below them, just a nobody errand boy, but guy is different. a bond built over similar circumstances was something he hadn't had in a long, long time, and it had led him to a sense of comfort in his presence he hadn't had with many others. a friendship, that reminded him of spending time with jian yu, before everything went to hell.
it turns out that camaraderie goes deeper than he really knew.
after a pause. ] ...I see. [ he says, quietly.
the old memory stirs. i already said it! his highness had nothing to do with it! i'm the one who committed the crime, i admit to everything, is that not enough?!
yin yu curls his fingers into fists. ] ...If that is the reason for you deserving death, then you are not the only one who should face that, tomorrow.
[ it doesn't feel any lighter to have admitted it, but there it is. ]
You are not the only one who escaped the blade of an executioner.
[ yin yu looks downwards, now, at his fists, clenching tighter in his lap. ] It was only one, and no one was wrongfully convicted in my place, but nevertheless. I was cursed into participating in the ritual on the island.
[ and that doesn't even begin to cover what happened before any of this. hundreds of years ago, when yin yu was still someone. that is even more difficult to chip free from where he's buried it, though, even if the circumstances felt even more familiar. complicated, but familiar. ]
It's the closest thing to actual empathy he's seen in the last few weeks, even if it's still vague enough to leave plenty of questions. The vulnerability churns uncomfortably in his chest.]
I suppose you don't say cursed lightly, then.
Could I ask what happened? What led you to do what you did?
[ the urge to run is there. to cut from this conversation and vanish.
...but, guy will be the first to hear the story from his mouth. there are only two others who know what he did--one was complicit, and the other, of all things, thanked him for doing it. he's still reeling from that interaction, from the shame and guilt on his own end.
even so, yin yu tells the story honestly, letting the anxiety in his stomach squeeze and squeeze. ] ...The island's 'rules' were a ritual. Supposedly, a collection of 'gods' --[ he knows that wasn't what they were, now, instinctively. it doesn't take away the shame or the guilt, but you have to cope how you can. ] --required eleven sacrifices for anyone to leave the island itself. I had no intentions of participating, but I was...chosen, by someone else, who was working with them to do so.
The details are fuzzy. I don't remember how I got there, or the actions that led to it. I barely remember the fight that we had. I do remember finishing him off, and... hiding it, afterwards. [ he shakes his head. ] I was conscious enough to cover my tracks, and collected his ashes like--as if I could try and bring him back, when it was all said and done.
[ he exhales, harsh. ] ...It didn't change the fact that I did it.
[So more like Luke than himself. Not quite the same, but the guilt still reflects like a mirror, through a softspoken man of servitude rather than a boy of pompous consequence.
...]
Even if you were a puppet to someone else's whims, it's hard for the blood of another life to not stain you. You can't just apologize for that and expect everything to be better.
it goes deeper than that. there's something worse, but wen ning's death certainly didn't help any. twice in his life, someone's blood more or less was on his hands. at least on the island, he'd had no choice.
he huffs, softly, a noise in agreement. it certainly does. ] ...I have to keep walking forward. [ in the end, that's all he can really do. yin yu has a purpose in life, and that purpose is to serve hua cheng. the mistakes that he's made are his to bear, and he'll do so silently, for as long as he has to.
it brings him back to the point at hand, anyway. vulnerable, empathetic, he folds his hands in his lap as he unclenches them. ] ... I can see where you're coming from, Guy. [ that he's made selfish choices, that he feels he deserves it, that it's a clock with a timer that's run out. yin yu empathizes more than he could possibly even begin to admit. he can't even say that what's done is done, because he still feels so deeply for the crime that he committed, that were he in the exact same position, he would kneel down and allow his death in a moment, too. ] ...but your death would not bring those people back, either, nor does it solve the one on our hands.
[ yin yu lets it hang in the air for a moment before he speaks again. what a mess. ] Why did you do it? [ if you weren't compelled, anyway... ]
No, it doesn't. It doesn't solve anything. But there's nothing to be done about it now. Besides... I don't plan on simply handing my life away tomorrow.
[...
He goes silent for a long moment. To talk about Luke's situation now, while behind bars, felt painfully coincidental, enough to leave a sour taste against his tongue. But with what Yin Yu has said...
...]
My master was in the previous game with me, at the temple. Not the Emperor... but the boy who was my charge before then. Luke.
...I helped raise him when his parents couldn't. I made mistakes with him. Learned a lot. Got to see him grow up and try to live the best he could, despite circumstance. It's not out of the question to say that he's the most important person in my life.
Yeah. [he doesn't like to think about it. Even now, the fact that he needs to admit that Luke was dead - IS dead - it makes his stomach churn with an anger that hasn't died for those entire two years.]
Those of us at the temple were promised a wish if we were members of the winning party. Luke and I had the same wish, and that was to bring him back.
When people started getting killed... I just took precautions to make sure at least one of us would make it to the end. I didn't originally plan on taking anyone's life unless it was an emergency. But an opportunity was given to me... and I chose to take it, at the blood of two innocent people.
[ he gets it. he really, really gets it. this feeling of solidarity has only continued to increase. it's empathy, and a growing bitterness over how unfair this has all been. ]
In the end, were you successful? [ not about the murder--about the wish, the ending of the 'game'. ]
...I understand. [ because he does, really. to have to do it behind his back, because guy must have truly cared a great deal for this person. to ensure the safety of your lord and master is the ultimate duty of a servant; in his case, of someone more than that. bloody or otherwise, yin yu gets it.
(he'd stopped himself from a similar line of thinking the first day on the island. assuming it was a mission, only one initial thought had crossed his mind -- i have to survive this for chengzhu. he'd stopped himself before anything rash, but--perhaps that was why the curse caught onto him so easily.)
there's a brief pause. after a moment, he adds, quietly: ] Your master seems like a kind person.
[ for that to have been behind his back, anyway. he can imagine his own situation...well, maybe it wouldn't have been that much different, in a lot of ways. hua cheng is more than he seems, and yin yu knows that intimately.
it brings about a host of questions, specifically to the tune of their own game. after all, those who were saved...
...mm. ] ....what team are you on? [ might as well ask the man on the gallows. ]
[There's a laugh, just barely rolling from the back of his throat, soft and nostalgic.]
He is. He's still only a kid, in a lot of ways. I guess I can't help but feel responsible if he were to make a mistake that would have kept him from coming back home.
[...
There's a noticable hesitation, Guy glancing down at the tie around his wrist. If he really were to die tomorrow, then it wouldn't be much of a secret anyway. There was no point.
But...
...
His eyes drift up to the mask staring him down, tightening a bit in a subtle disappointment, then back down to his hands.]
[ well. ] ...please don't misunderstand: I don't want to play along with the games that we're trying to be coerced into playing. I have less skin in the game than many of the others, here.
[ there are many people from the island here. their game was small, and his most important bond from the island itself was here, too. yin yu's first priority here is stopping this farce so everyone gets to go home. it's what chengzhu would do, and he will do whatever it takes, in a similar fashion, to make sure that happens. yin yu is a loyal person, and that much about him has never, ever changed. ]
But if for some reason, you can't fight to keep that reality that you've gained - [ because of their mistakes ] then I want to keep that in mind in your stead.
[ yin yu's head dips, a more solemn gesture. ] A wish granted, with ample hard work and sacrifice, should not be taken away because of the whims of someone else. I know what it feels like, to have earned something, and have it ripped out of your hands, too.
He thinks back to Jude, to Zoe, to Estelle. To their wishes, crushed into the dust because he had decided to act desperately.
And as much as he wants to thank the man in front of him for his words, to share the moment of a missed opportunity...
He can't agree with that last part. Not without regret slowly bubbling up like a spring, sharp and pungent and painful. It shows on his face, on the way he still can't lift his eyes, knuckles going white against his knees.]
[ to win. to make it out of here. to earn back the endings they had rightfully earned.
to save the others. if his team loses and they end up playing along, yin yu is... he's prepared to give his own spot up, if only three of them can be saved, from the island. quietly so, but he's thought it since they first found out the 'rules'. ]
I don't think it's a troubling burden, to remember someone, and the things they cared for.
That's not quite it, I guess. [The smile he offers is... surprisingly sad, in a way that seems tired, far less sure of himself than he usually displays - a momentary break from just how hard the regret sits in his chest, gnawing at him. He knew his reasoning, knew why his choice was important. But to think of what he had to take, only to now lose it...
...
His gaze drops to his lap, one wrist wringing in the opposite hand as he tries to collect his thoughts.]
...
Yin Yu, could you tell me something?
Were you born into servitude? Or was it something you chose?
[ as ever, yin yu is observant. he picks up on that tone, the way he moves his hands. the look on his face.
now that the first stone on his shoulder has been loosened, it's easier to let free others. how simple it had been, how nice this could have been, to have a friend who might have understood. ]
...I was not born into it, no. It was something I agreed to do.
[He'll give a nod. The difference between a servant in slavery and one indebted was a large one. While Yin Yu was easy to fall prostrate towards others, it wasn't in the way of someone who was used to being treated that way.]
Can't say I'm surprised. There's a refinement to how you talk that's hard to find in people who haven't known much else.
Was it a position you carried on from your previous life?
[ ... haha. he doesn't quite laugh, but yin yu's mouth twitches. ah... he supposes it makes sense that guy would notice. ]
I... came from a well off family. [ that's not all of it, but it's not wrong, either. ] That was a very long time ago, though: I have worked for Hua Chengzhu for centuries, and only for Hua Chengzhu.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
His fingers lace together in front of him, gaze towards an unfocused spot on the floor.]
Back at the temple, I took the lives of two people, and was partially responsible for a third. I was caught, and was supposed to be executed.
But that never happened.
no subject
Why didn't it? [ he'd like to hear the whole story. ]
no subject
[It's a cold recollection, the idea of someone taking his place. It was cruel.]
It wasn't by my blade. But their blood is still on my hands.
no subject
the amount of guilt that must have been weighing on guy's shoulders for such a thing to happen.
one of the things that yin yu caught onto about guy from the beginning was a sense of camaraderie. it's something that can't really be replicated with the others he's gotten to know here - there's always a sense that he's below them, just a nobody errand boy, but guy is different. a bond built over similar circumstances was something he hadn't had in a long, long time, and it had led him to a sense of comfort in his presence he hadn't had with many others. a friendship, that reminded him of spending time with jian yu, before everything went to hell.
it turns out that camaraderie goes deeper than he really knew.
after a pause. ] ...I see. [ he says, quietly.
the old memory stirs. i already said it! his highness had nothing to do with it! i'm the one who committed the crime, i admit to everything, is that not enough?!
yin yu curls his fingers into fists. ] ...If that is the reason for you deserving death, then you are not the only one who should face that, tomorrow.
[ it doesn't feel any lighter to have admitted it, but there it is. ]
no subject
[Mm. It's not the response he was expecting from someone like Yin Yu, which knocks him back into silence for a long moment.
...
His words come carefully, a little more tinged with exhaustion.]
Why do you say that?
no subject
[ yin yu looks downwards, now, at his fists, clenching tighter in his lap. ] It was only one, and no one was wrongfully convicted in my place, but nevertheless. I was cursed into participating in the ritual on the island.
[ and that doesn't even begin to cover what happened before any of this. hundreds of years ago, when yin yu was still someone. that is even more difficult to chip free from where he's buried it, though, even if the circumstances felt even more familiar. complicated, but familiar. ]
no subject
It's the closest thing to actual empathy he's seen in the last few weeks, even if it's still vague enough to leave plenty of questions. The vulnerability churns uncomfortably in his chest.]
I suppose you don't say cursed lightly, then.
Could I ask what happened? What led you to do what you did?
no subject
...but, guy will be the first to hear the story from his mouth. there are only two others who know what he did--one was complicit, and the other, of all things, thanked him for doing it. he's still reeling from that interaction, from the shame and guilt on his own end.
even so, yin yu tells the story honestly, letting the anxiety in his stomach squeeze and squeeze. ] ...The island's 'rules' were a ritual. Supposedly, a collection of 'gods' --[ he knows that wasn't what they were, now, instinctively. it doesn't take away the shame or the guilt, but you have to cope how you can. ] --required eleven sacrifices for anyone to leave the island itself. I had no intentions of participating, but I was...chosen, by someone else, who was working with them to do so.
The details are fuzzy. I don't remember how I got there, or the actions that led to it. I barely remember the fight that we had. I do remember finishing him off, and... hiding it, afterwards. [ he shakes his head. ] I was conscious enough to cover my tracks, and collected his ashes like--as if I could try and bring him back, when it was all said and done.
[ he exhales, harsh. ] ...It didn't change the fact that I did it.
no subject
[So more like Luke than himself. Not quite the same, but the guilt still reflects like a mirror, through a softspoken man of servitude rather than a boy of pompous consequence.
...]
Even if you were a puppet to someone else's whims, it's hard for the blood of another life to not stain you. You can't just apologize for that and expect everything to be better.
...I imagine that must really haunt you.
no subject
it goes deeper than that. there's something worse, but wen ning's death certainly didn't help any. twice in his life, someone's blood more or less was on his hands. at least on the island, he'd had no choice.
he huffs, softly, a noise in agreement. it certainly does. ] ...I have to keep walking forward. [ in the end, that's all he can really do. yin yu has a purpose in life, and that purpose is to serve hua cheng. the mistakes that he's made are his to bear, and he'll do so silently, for as long as he has to.
it brings him back to the point at hand, anyway. vulnerable, empathetic, he folds his hands in his lap as he unclenches them. ] ... I can see where you're coming from, Guy. [ that he's made selfish choices, that he feels he deserves it, that it's a clock with a timer that's run out. yin yu empathizes more than he could possibly even begin to admit. he can't even say that what's done is done, because he still feels so deeply for the crime that he committed, that were he in the exact same position, he would kneel down and allow his death in a moment, too. ] ...but your death would not bring those people back, either, nor does it solve the one on our hands.
[ yin yu lets it hang in the air for a moment before he speaks again. what a mess. ] Why did you do it? [ if you weren't compelled, anyway... ]
no subject
[...
He goes silent for a long moment. To talk about Luke's situation now, while behind bars, felt painfully coincidental, enough to leave a sour taste against his tongue. But with what Yin Yu has said...
...]
My master was in the previous game with me, at the temple. Not the Emperor... but the boy who was my charge before then. Luke.
...I helped raise him when his parents couldn't. I made mistakes with him. Learned a lot. Got to see him grow up and try to live the best he could, despite circumstance. It's not out of the question to say that he's the most important person in my life.
...
But he died, nearly two years ago.
no subject
if hua cheng was here, yin yu would do anything for him.
(if yizhen was here, he'd...) ]
no subject
Those of us at the temple were promised a wish if we were members of the winning party. Luke and I had the same wish, and that was to bring him back.
When people started getting killed... I just took precautions to make sure at least one of us would make it to the end. I didn't originally plan on taking anyone's life unless it was an emergency. But an opportunity was given to me... and I chose to take it, at the blood of two innocent people.
no subject
In the end, were you successful? [ not about the murder--about the wish, the ending of the 'game'. ]
no subject
He nods.]
Not to anyone's approval. Not even that of Luke. I did it all behind his back, after all.
But I got my wish.
no subject
(he'd stopped himself from a similar line of thinking the first day on the island. assuming it was a mission, only one initial thought had crossed his mind -- i have to survive this for chengzhu. he'd stopped himself before anything rash, but--perhaps that was why the curse caught onto him so easily.)
there's a brief pause. after a moment, he adds, quietly: ] Your master seems like a kind person.
[ for that to have been behind his back, anyway. he can imagine his own situation...well, maybe it wouldn't have been that much different, in a lot of ways. hua cheng is more than he seems, and yin yu knows that intimately.
it brings about a host of questions, specifically to the tune of their own game. after all, those who were saved...
...mm. ] ....what team are you on? [ might as well ask the man on the gallows. ]
no subject
He is. He's still only a kid, in a lot of ways. I guess I can't help but feel responsible if he were to make a mistake that would have kept him from coming back home.
[...
There's a noticable hesitation, Guy glancing down at the tie around his wrist. If he really were to die tomorrow, then it wouldn't be much of a secret anyway. There was no point.
But...
...
His eyes drift up to the mask staring him down, tightening a bit in a subtle disappointment, then back down to his hands.]
...I'm with Winter.
no subject
[ well. ] ...please don't misunderstand: I don't want to play along with the games that we're trying to be coerced into playing. I have less skin in the game than many of the others, here.
[ there are many people from the island here. their game was small, and his most important bond from the island itself was here, too. yin yu's first priority here is stopping this farce so everyone gets to go home. it's what chengzhu would do, and he will do whatever it takes, in a similar fashion, to make sure that happens. yin yu is a loyal person, and that much about him has never, ever changed. ]
But if for some reason, you can't fight to keep that reality that you've gained - [ because of their mistakes ] then I want to keep that in mind in your stead.
[ yin yu's head dips, a more solemn gesture. ] A wish granted, with ample hard work and sacrifice, should not be taken away because of the whims of someone else. I know what it feels like, to have earned something, and have it ripped out of your hands, too.
no subject
He thinks back to Jude, to Zoe, to Estelle. To their wishes, crushed into the dust because he had decided to act desperately.
And as much as he wants to thank the man in front of him for his words, to share the moment of a missed opportunity...
He can't agree with that last part. Not without regret slowly bubbling up like a spring, sharp and pungent and painful. It shows on his face, on the way he still can't lift his eyes, knuckles going white against his knees.]
...
You don't have to do that. [Quiet, almost numbed]
no subject
[ to win. to make it out of here. to earn back the endings they had rightfully earned.
to save the others. if his team loses and they end up playing along, yin yu is... he's prepared to give his own spot up, if only three of them can be saved, from the island. quietly so, but he's thought it since they first found out the 'rules'. ]
I don't think it's a troubling burden, to remember someone, and the things they cared for.
[ no one remembered him. ]
no subject
That's not quite it, I guess. [The smile he offers is... surprisingly sad, in a way that seems tired, far less sure of himself than he usually displays - a momentary break from just how hard the regret sits in his chest, gnawing at him. He knew his reasoning, knew why his choice was important. But to think of what he had to take, only to now lose it...
...
His gaze drops to his lap, one wrist wringing in the opposite hand as he tries to collect his thoughts.]
...
Yin Yu, could you tell me something?
Were you born into servitude? Or was it something you chose?
no subject
now that the first stone on his shoulder has been loosened, it's easier to let free others. how simple it had been, how nice this could have been, to have a friend who might have understood. ]
...I was not born into it, no. It was something I agreed to do.
no subject
Can't say I'm surprised. There's a refinement to how you talk that's hard to find in people who haven't known much else.
Was it a position you carried on from your previous life?
[Had Chengzhu been his only master?]
no subject
I... came from a well off family. [ that's not all of it, but it's not wrong, either. ] That was a very long time ago, though: I have worked for Hua Chengzhu for centuries, and only for Hua Chengzhu.
no subject
Damn. We really are more alike than we should be, aren't we...
[How unfair was this, of all times...]
Just a fortunate life? Or something closer to nobility?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)