[ that's exactly right. though now that little victory feels like absolutely nothing in the face of all of his crushing failures, yin yu did earn his godhood. not like general pei, not like the heavenly emperor, not even like taizi dianxia - because he wasn't extraordinary. the only thing that was extraordinary about him was his work ethic.
it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
Simple, but in an important way. To value hard work means something entirely different to a lord than it does to those he reigns over.
[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
[ yin yu just gives a demure nod of his head to that, a twitch of an amused smile on his face, but doesn't regard it after. his plain face hasn't changed in three hundred years, yeah--he'd say he's a bit older than guy, to say the least.
but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
He used to keep it long and was always pretty vain about it. But it was about the only time I could just sit him down and have him stay still for the sake of it. We'd talk about stupid stuff to keep him distracted, or he'd watch the birds from his bedroom window.
After the kidnapping, he wasn't allowed to leave the manor, so he was always pretty bored. I'd try to tell him stories. Sometimes it hit, sometimes it didn't. He was a kid, what could you expect, right?
[Even before, when he'd taken hatred in the task and wished he was holding a knife rather than a brush... Sometimes it was easier to converse when your master couldn't watch your face.]
...
Kind of specific, but... that's the sort of stuff I miss.
he wouldn't do such things for hua cheng. their relationship doesn't work that way - it would be extremely strange if it did - and while he's sure he will inevitably end up working as a servant for taizi dianxia when everything is over, he probably won't do things like that for him, either. (yin yu is fairly sure that if dianxia asked him to do it, hua cheng may turn him into ash before he had a chance to even say he would.)
but, the way that guy explains it makes sense. it reminds him of yizhen, a little. old days spent with a jade comb and a bowl of water, trying desperately to tame his wild curls. ] ...I understand.
[ yin yu doesn't push, or ask for more explanation, or really give one of his own. he's not sure if he can cope with the small positive memories of his time with quan yizhen, not yet. they feel too big, pressed like dried flowers underneath a mountain of his guilt and despair. ]
[It's an odd thing to understand, given how Yin Yu has described his relationship with Hua Cheng. But Guy won't press for it right now. Maybe later, when he has some more answers.
...
His next question comes carefully, with an openness of someone that has nothing but curiosity for something he knows he cannot understand.]
...What was it like? Being ascended to the state of a god, I mean.
...Not everything it's cracked up to be. [ this time, the bitterness, the sadness - it's there, heavy like a weight on his shoulders, all over his face. there's a little smile on yin yu's face, but nothing about it is warm. just - hurt, a sort of detached irony to the situation that he came to find himself in. ]
The heavens are full of a certain kind of people. If it is a crowd you do not belong with, it does not take long to come to that knowledge. [ and for yin yu, a nobody, a plain faced, talentless person - he was almost destined to be outshined. ] I did the best that I could, but ultimately, my best was not nearly enough. No matter how hard I worked, it was not a place I belonged.
[ there were a few months of shining, warm glory, but even that was fleeting. ]
Well? screw the 20 questions format for a second, because this one looks like it's hitting a place that hurts for Yin Yu. The idea of seclusion in the land of the living was understandable, but to those that had moved on... was there even a point? Why in the world wouldn't someone with the determination and kindness of Yin Yu be welcome somewhere that could only be accessed by very few to begin with?
To think the answer coukd be the same as the living is almost sickening, and the offense on Yin Yu's behalf ripples into his tone.]
..Were there no others there that had done the same as you? You couldn't have been the only one to work your way to that by your own hands... you said it was cultivation, right?
Those of the heavens are those with a great presence. Many of the are war heroes, or great leaders. Often, ascension occurs from the moment of death - there are tales told of battlefields engulfed in light as those heroes were chosen to ascend.
Even now, in the service of Hua Chengzhu, the god that I interact with the most is so famous that there were tales told of his pure heart and amazing capability. They are, in essence, the best of the best that the mortal realm has to offer.
[ yin yu's voice is even, but he's quieted. softer. sadder. its in moments like these that him being so presenceless makes the most sense. he seems almost transparent, burdened by his own misery. ] While it is true that I earned it, it was in no way so grandiose. I may have been fine as a middle official - a lesser god, in the service of another, as most others who cultivate to immortality do - but no matter how I may have received my position as the Martial God of the West, I never truly suited it. It was never going to be mine for long.
The person who took the position from me shone with so much talent, I stood no chance.
[He stays quiet, expression tightening up until Yin Yu mentions that the position was taken from him. Not reassigned, or given away. Taken.
With how Yin Yu clearly seems to have put effort into acheiving such a role, despite how well he feels he may have belonged, the idea that that could just be robbed due to natural talent is a punch to the gut.]
That shouldn't matter. That role was yours - you earned it. Who in the world would push you out of something like that?
[How much of an insect did they consider Yin Yu to shove him aside so easily?]
It wasn't his fault. [ yin yu says, quietly. the guilt is like an iron weight resting his shoulders, pushing them down even further. this is the deepest depth of yin yu's regrets. his troubles. all of them come down to one person, and that one person wasn't even aware something was wrong until it was too late.
for a moment, that's all he really has to say. yin yu has to tread carefully: he has always been very careful with his words, and this is no exception. the wrong thing can drag him downwards into a spiral of regret and bitter anger that he wants to try and avoid. that he always wanted to avoid. i don't want to fight, he had said to jian yu. no one would let him accept himself for the failure that he was until it was too late.
eventually, though, he takes a deep breath, and lets a little more of that shadow unstick itself from his heart. ] ...the current martial god of the West was my shidi - a disciple who studied under me in our sect. I was the one who brought him into the sect off of the streets, and I chose him to ascend as a middle official in my court, too.
[ this tale just gets more and more tragic. in this case, the student didn't just surpass the teacher in old age; the student was better than the teacher from the start. ]
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it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
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[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
...]
Promise you won't laugh?
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but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
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He used to keep it long and was always pretty vain about it. But it was about the only time I could just sit him down and have him stay still for the sake of it. We'd talk about stupid stuff to keep him distracted, or he'd watch the birds from his bedroom window.
After the kidnapping, he wasn't allowed to leave the manor, so he was always pretty bored. I'd try to tell him stories. Sometimes it hit, sometimes it didn't. He was a kid, what could you expect, right?
[Even before, when he'd taken hatred in the task and wished he was holding a knife rather than a brush... Sometimes it was easier to converse when your master couldn't watch your face.]
...
Kind of specific, but... that's the sort of stuff I miss.
no subject
he wouldn't do such things for hua cheng. their relationship doesn't work that way - it would be extremely strange if it did - and while he's sure he will inevitably end up working as a servant for taizi dianxia when everything is over, he probably won't do things like that for him, either. (yin yu is fairly sure that if dianxia asked him to do it, hua cheng may turn him into ash before he had a chance to even say he would.)
but, the way that guy explains it makes sense. it reminds him of yizhen, a little. old days spent with a jade comb and a bowl of water, trying desperately to tame his wild curls. ] ...I understand.
[ yin yu doesn't push, or ask for more explanation, or really give one of his own. he's not sure if he can cope with the small positive memories of his time with quan yizhen, not yet. they feel too big, pressed like dried flowers underneath a mountain of his guilt and despair. ]
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...
His next question comes carefully, with an openness of someone that has nothing but curiosity for something he knows he cannot understand.]
...What was it like? Being ascended to the state of a god, I mean.
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yin yu looks down at his glass again. ]
...Not everything it's cracked up to be. [ this time, the bitterness, the sadness - it's there, heavy like a weight on his shoulders, all over his face. there's a little smile on yin yu's face, but nothing about it is warm. just - hurt, a sort of detached irony to the situation that he came to find himself in. ]
The heavens are full of a certain kind of people. If it is a crowd you do not belong with, it does not take long to come to that knowledge. [ and for yin yu, a nobody, a plain faced, talentless person - he was almost destined to be outshined. ] I did the best that I could, but ultimately, my best was not nearly enough. No matter how hard I worked, it was not a place I belonged.
[ there were a few months of shining, warm glory, but even that was fleeting. ]
no subject
Well? screw the 20 questions format for a second, because this one looks like it's hitting a place that hurts for Yin Yu. The idea of seclusion in the land of the living was understandable, but to those that had moved on... was there even a point? Why in the world wouldn't someone with the determination and kindness of Yin Yu be welcome somewhere that could only be accessed by very few to begin with?
To think the answer coukd be the same as the living is almost sickening, and the offense on Yin Yu's behalf ripples into his tone.]
..Were there no others there that had done the same as you? You couldn't have been the only one to work your way to that by your own hands... you said it was cultivation, right?
Was that poorly looked upon?
no subject
Even now, in the service of Hua Chengzhu, the god that I interact with the most is so famous that there were tales told of his pure heart and amazing capability. They are, in essence, the best of the best that the mortal realm has to offer.
[ yin yu's voice is even, but he's quieted. softer. sadder. its in moments like these that him being so presenceless makes the most sense. he seems almost transparent, burdened by his own misery. ] While it is true that I earned it, it was in no way so grandiose. I may have been fine as a middle official - a lesser god, in the service of another, as most others who cultivate to immortality do - but no matter how I may have received my position as the Martial God of the West, I never truly suited it. It was never going to be mine for long.
The person who took the position from me shone with so much talent, I stood no chance.
no subject
With how Yin Yu clearly seems to have put effort into acheiving such a role, despite how well he feels he may have belonged, the idea that that could just be robbed due to natural talent is a punch to the gut.]
That shouldn't matter. That role was yours - you earned it. Who in the world would push you out of something like that?
[How much of an insect did they consider Yin Yu to shove him aside so easily?]
no subject
It wasn't his fault. [ yin yu says, quietly. the guilt is like an iron weight resting his shoulders, pushing them down even further. this is the deepest depth of yin yu's regrets. his troubles. all of them come down to one person, and that one person wasn't even aware something was wrong until it was too late.
for a moment, that's all he really has to say. yin yu has to tread carefully: he has always been very careful with his words, and this is no exception. the wrong thing can drag him downwards into a spiral of regret and bitter anger that he wants to try and avoid. that he always wanted to avoid. i don't want to fight, he had said to jian yu. no one would let him accept himself for the failure that he was until it was too late.
eventually, though, he takes a deep breath, and lets a little more of that shadow unstick itself from his heart. ] ...the current martial god of the West was my shidi - a disciple who studied under me in our sect. I was the one who brought him into the sect off of the streets, and I chose him to ascend as a middle official in my court, too.
[ this tale just gets more and more tragic. in this case, the student didn't just surpass the teacher in old age; the student was better than the teacher from the start. ]