Two months ago, I don't think I would have tried. But my choices at the temple made me realize some things about what I thought I valued, and how I was choosing to handle it.
...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
it's funny. he knows that he and guy are similar, in many ways, but the depth of it sometimes comes to surprise him. how rare, how pleasant, to not only bond with someone because of the circumstances of your life, but of your problems and troubles, too.
that's why it's easy to talk to him. that's why even after just one meeting, he'd found himself more comfortable around guy than he had almost anyone. even sometimes with flayn: there were things he would never tell her, would never want her to know, that he's only just now learning to accept, too.
maybe it's the gentle burn of the not great alcohol that makes him want to talk, but it's not. it's just-- it's having this kind of relationship with someone, born out of trust, born out of having a friend who just knows what it's like. not even jian yu ever really understood yin yu, or at least not the way he thought; that was half of their issue, in the end.
the silence remains, for just a little longer. when yin yu does speak, it's soft, and he turns his wrist so the liquid in his glass moves with it, fixated on it. his expression is hard to read, but, there's something deeply sad in his dark eyes. ] ...I never made the effort.
The thing that I regret most, I - [ go die! he'd said. he stops himself, closes his eyes briefly against the bitter tide of old memories that threatens to consume him, like it always does. grief and guilt follow him like a shadow, a ball and chain that yin yu has never freed himself from. ] ...I still don't know if I want to make amends or not.
[ but quan yizhen does. because he doesn't understand the severity. he can't, can he? he's a fool - and the excited way he'd screamed shixiong! when he realized that he'd finally, finally found yin yu -- that he'd been looking -- ] I don't know if I can, even now.
Part of him wants to pry, to ask Yin Yu what he means. But subtlety is skmething frustrating to grasp under the influence and buzz of the alcohol already in his system. So he has to take a second to think over how to respond - how he would want to be responded to, if their situations were reveresed.
Thankfully, he knows that's already happened, and it provides the best example he can think of.]
...You know, when Luke first came back to the manor after his kidnapping, I wasn't sure how to feel, either. The hatred didn't go anywhere, nor did what I wanted to do. Making amends for anything was the last thing on my mind. But the kid in front of me was different, and it kind of made me sick.
When he had learned how to talk again, I had asked him if it was hard not having his memory. All he told me was that "You can't move forward if you keep looking back." That he didn't need a past.
[He scoffs lightly, putting his glass down for a moment. For someone who had strived all his actions because of his past, that went about as well as expected.]
I hated that response at first. What could he know about that, right? He was just a kid who didn't know anything except for what he was fed by his family. As far as I was concerned, he still deserved to die.
[ well. luke is certainly wiser than the ghost that haunts yin yu, if that's anything to be reckoned with.
...but, the memory share week did have one memory related outcome that turned out well, for yin yu. it was a memory he'd shared from someone else, with a very important person. you must live your life fully, in the present moment, she had said, and when guy speaks, he can hear it in her voice, in the back of his head, a stirring of deep, bitter emotions and fondness mixing together like a vicegrip and squeezing around his heart.
learning to live by that adage has been one of the cruxes of his growth, here. sitting on this floor in this bar of an empty castle, he can let the fact that that growth is still something he's working for flood through him. ] ...someone said something like that to me once, too.
To escape the mistakes and the regrets you have made so simply feels an impossible task, doesn't it? [ it's an agreement, a quiet one. yin yu makes a quiet noise of his own, a darker, humorless laugh, and downs the rest of his drink. ] As if it were so easy to simply move on.
What was done was so catastrophic, it wouldn't even be fair of me to do so. And if that dummy even now refuses to believe I did any wrong, then as always, I have to be the one to know reality.
[ ...but quan yizhen...
( "shixiong!" )
quan yizhen did move on, and he was the victim in the first place.
[So Yin Yu had acted against someone else, then, and that someone had come back regardless.
...]
Maybe it's not a matter of forgetting versus ignoring, or accepting reality as one thing or another. Maybe it's just a matter of faith. In what a person is, or could be, or just having a chance at something different.
Sometimes reality has to be toppled over a little for that. And sometimes the simpler minded of men have an easier job of that.
You could call it idiotic. Or you could call it insightful. But that's an act of faith on its own.
[ that gets another huff of a laugh out of him. quan yizhen is an idiot. he's certainly not insightful.
...but, when it comes to matters of emotion, and matters of the heart, maybe he is smarter than yin yu could ever claim to be. yasusada reminds him of it, sometimes. that intensity, the feeling that someone just knows you beyond you're willing to be known.
that seems to be his only response, at least for now. but, after a long, thoughtful pause, yin yu sets his empty glass down, and reaches for the right sleeve of his newly slightly more modern turtleneck. his hand hesitates.
...but, he pushes it up. in contrast to the shining gold band on his left wrist, on the right is a dark tattoo. it's stark against his pale skin, and even more so with the faint gold coming from its match on the other side. ]
...The night before your duel, you told me the story of how you had become a retainer. Many things that you told me resonated with me, but I was - and have been -- too much of a coward to share the same.
This mark on my arm was not given to me by choice: it is known as a cursed shackle. It is, in essence, dual purposed. The first is to seal away my spiritual energy - anything that I cultivated in my lifetime is and has been inaccessible to me for three hundred years.
[ yin yu continues looking down at the mark as he talks. it feels like there's a weight on his chest that's being slowly pulled, up, up, up; he presses his thumb to the tattoo, to feel the veins underneath, the pulse of his heart, which flutters underneath his fingerprint. anxiety, guilt, an age old fear and bitterness.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...but the second is to mark me as a banished god.
[There's a flash of obvious surprise, both at the showing of the tattoo and the words that tumble from his mouth. A god? But...
"Only those who achieve immortality through godhood or cultivation continue to live on--"]
You... actually ascended, then. So why--
[WHY A LOT OF THINGS, TBH. But he cuts himself firmly, sliding his weight over to put a hand to Yin Yu's shoulder, weighted but gentle, far less firm than when he had barked for the other servant's attention during the trial. His voice stays low, a seriousness to it that ]
Hey, look, if... if this is a conversation we need to have in our right minds, don't push yourself. You're not obligated to share.
I'll listen, regardless. You know I will. I hope you know, anyway. But there's...
There's already been enough forcing of our hands as it is, you know? That damn wedding, the trials showing for everyone, the forced emotions and memories... I don't want something like this to just be another regret out of your control.
But if that's not it, if you're sure... I'll listen. I want to.
[ oh. the hand on his shoulder shakes him out of his thought process, the way he was staring at the shackle, and he turns to look at guy properly, eyes a little wide at the concern.
...it shouldn't really be that surprising, though. guy is always like this - considerate of others, helpful to others. it's something yin yu likes about him, a lot. for a moment, he stares, searching his face...
...and then he laughs. it's a snort, but pretty sudden for a quiet guy like yin yu, who shakes his head, reaching instead for the bottle to top off his own drink. ] I think if it was not like this, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
[ he's not particularly wasted or anything--his constitution is fairly strong, but the warmth of the alcohol and the company certainly helps in loosening his tongue, at least a little bit. the fact that he feels like he can talk about it makes him feel like yin yu is observing himself from a distance, like this is some strange scientific outcome instead of actually the words out of his mouth. after all, yin yu is more than aware of his (many) character defects, and bottling up his problems is arguably one of the worst of them.
guy's words made him think, anyway. he's correct, the trials, the forced emotions, the memories; all of those things were terrible (mostly), particularly the last one. and when his hand was forced, and his worst secret was exposed like it was nothing, yin yu didn't explain. he didn't try. he ran. from lili and flayn both - he ran.
but he brought this up on his own.
yin yu willingly brought it up on his own.
he's more stunned at himself than anything else.
there's a long moment where he seems to process, but as he looks back at him, he rests his hand back on top of the shackle, and speaks quietly. ] ...Ask your questions. It's alright.
[Ah. Yeah, he can understand that. But ther permission gets an honest smile and another wag of his tail, though this time he doesn't bother to stop himself.]
So long as you're sure.
We could go back and forth, if you want. What was the game called back at camp... twenty questions, right?
I'll ask you about what happened. And you can ask me something in return, if you want.
...Pretty sure I cheated being able to listen in on most of those, though, so sorry if I already know you prefer spicy food. [Said as he tips his glass back with a sly smirk.]
[ pfft. this time, when yin yu laughs, it's a little more sincere, a little less dark. guy's way of lightning his mood is pretty impressive. it may be terrible to be dead, but... at least he's gotten to spend more time with someone who he has come to comfortably call his friend. ]
I ended up playing that game more times than I expected. [ asch's version was especially.
it was something.
yin yu leans back, closing his eyes. the feathers of his effect-gifted wings rustle pleasantly, and he shifts to avoid smushing them up against the wall behind him so they stretch out. he still feels...odd. sort of prickly, adrenaline and anxiety a low undercurrent to this potential conversation, but it's not so overwhelming that he's going to clam up and stop talking. ] It is a long, sad story, with many details, most of which will make you think far less of me as a person.
[ but, he picks his glass up, and tips it towards guy. ] But... very well. If I ask to pass a question, I hope that you will show me some mercy.
Of course. You've shown the same to me. I don't see why I shouldn't extend the favor when it truly counts.
[He might be especially nosy, but he knew very well the importance of keeping certain information to ones own self, and the way it opened up a man like a rotting corpse if exposed in the worse ways.
Well. To keep this fair, he'll make sure his own glass is topped off before starting. He can tell he's getting a little dizzy, but it's fine. He doesn't plan on moving any time soon.]
I know you had a previous life as a noble. Were you granted a chance at immortality, or did you have to earn it?
[ that's an interesting way to start. he regards the glass, and... for a brief moment, guy might see something like pride flicker across his eyes. ]
I earned it. [ for certain. ] I was granted no special status as a disciple because the sect I was in was that of my family. I had no special talents or abilities of my own. I practiced my cultivation as hard as I could in order to ascend - no sudden or theatrical displays of bravery or talent.
[ so unlike many of his once compatriots, he ascended the old fashioned way. his turn, huh. ]
How does it feel to have returned to lordship, truly? [ yin yu can't imagine such a thing for himself, and... honestly, he doesn't want it, he doesn't think. if you offered him godhood again -- well... maybe. ]
[Somehow that answer doesn't surprise him. Given how hard Yin Yu works while asking for nothing in return, it sheds light onto an ethic you couldn't just learn overnight.]
So an ascension through hard work as its own merit, rather than as a martyr or a hero. I could see the appeal.
[As for his own question, he has to take a second to bat away the surface answers. Yin Yu was bearing himself honestly. He might as well try to do the same, to a point.]
Mm. That's a good question.
...It's not something I thought I'd be able to do again, so it still doesn't feel real most days. I've only had my title back for two years, and even in that time... it's not really the same. I wouldn't walk away from it. I have a duty under birthright. But...
...
What I do for His Majesty as a landless Count is not much different than what I ever did as a servant, expect maybe with far more political paperwork. I'm still very green, and the actions I've taken under my family name are things that the House of Lords would probably frown on. If His Majesty wasn't gracious, I sometimes wonder if I'd never get the chance. Guess you could say a life of intentional servitude rubbed off on me pretty hard, because... well, I really miss it sometimes.
[He'll nod towards Yin Yu.]
Was that cultivation something that took a good portion of your lifetime to earn?
[ that's exactly right. though now that little victory feels like absolutely nothing in the face of all of his crushing failures, yin yu did earn his godhood. not like general pei, not like the heavenly emperor, not even like taizi dianxia - because he wasn't extraordinary. the only thing that was extraordinary about him was his work ethic.
it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
Simple, but in an important way. To value hard work means something entirely different to a lord than it does to those he reigns over.
[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
[ yin yu just gives a demure nod of his head to that, a twitch of an amused smile on his face, but doesn't regard it after. his plain face hasn't changed in three hundred years, yeah--he'd say he's a bit older than guy, to say the least.
but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
He used to keep it long and was always pretty vain about it. But it was about the only time I could just sit him down and have him stay still for the sake of it. We'd talk about stupid stuff to keep him distracted, or he'd watch the birds from his bedroom window.
After the kidnapping, he wasn't allowed to leave the manor, so he was always pretty bored. I'd try to tell him stories. Sometimes it hit, sometimes it didn't. He was a kid, what could you expect, right?
[Even before, when he'd taken hatred in the task and wished he was holding a knife rather than a brush... Sometimes it was easier to converse when your master couldn't watch your face.]
...
Kind of specific, but... that's the sort of stuff I miss.
he wouldn't do such things for hua cheng. their relationship doesn't work that way - it would be extremely strange if it did - and while he's sure he will inevitably end up working as a servant for taizi dianxia when everything is over, he probably won't do things like that for him, either. (yin yu is fairly sure that if dianxia asked him to do it, hua cheng may turn him into ash before he had a chance to even say he would.)
but, the way that guy explains it makes sense. it reminds him of yizhen, a little. old days spent with a jade comb and a bowl of water, trying desperately to tame his wild curls. ] ...I understand.
[ yin yu doesn't push, or ask for more explanation, or really give one of his own. he's not sure if he can cope with the small positive memories of his time with quan yizhen, not yet. they feel too big, pressed like dried flowers underneath a mountain of his guilt and despair. ]
[It's an odd thing to understand, given how Yin Yu has described his relationship with Hua Cheng. But Guy won't press for it right now. Maybe later, when he has some more answers.
...
His next question comes carefully, with an openness of someone that has nothing but curiosity for something he knows he cannot understand.]
...What was it like? Being ascended to the state of a god, I mean.
...Not everything it's cracked up to be. [ this time, the bitterness, the sadness - it's there, heavy like a weight on his shoulders, all over his face. there's a little smile on yin yu's face, but nothing about it is warm. just - hurt, a sort of detached irony to the situation that he came to find himself in. ]
The heavens are full of a certain kind of people. If it is a crowd you do not belong with, it does not take long to come to that knowledge. [ and for yin yu, a nobody, a plain faced, talentless person - he was almost destined to be outshined. ] I did the best that I could, but ultimately, my best was not nearly enough. No matter how hard I worked, it was not a place I belonged.
[ there were a few months of shining, warm glory, but even that was fleeting. ]
Well? screw the 20 questions format for a second, because this one looks like it's hitting a place that hurts for Yin Yu. The idea of seclusion in the land of the living was understandable, but to those that had moved on... was there even a point? Why in the world wouldn't someone with the determination and kindness of Yin Yu be welcome somewhere that could only be accessed by very few to begin with?
To think the answer coukd be the same as the living is almost sickening, and the offense on Yin Yu's behalf ripples into his tone.]
..Were there no others there that had done the same as you? You couldn't have been the only one to work your way to that by your own hands... you said it was cultivation, right?
Those of the heavens are those with a great presence. Many of the are war heroes, or great leaders. Often, ascension occurs from the moment of death - there are tales told of battlefields engulfed in light as those heroes were chosen to ascend.
Even now, in the service of Hua Chengzhu, the god that I interact with the most is so famous that there were tales told of his pure heart and amazing capability. They are, in essence, the best of the best that the mortal realm has to offer.
[ yin yu's voice is even, but he's quieted. softer. sadder. its in moments like these that him being so presenceless makes the most sense. he seems almost transparent, burdened by his own misery. ] While it is true that I earned it, it was in no way so grandiose. I may have been fine as a middle official - a lesser god, in the service of another, as most others who cultivate to immortality do - but no matter how I may have received my position as the Martial God of the West, I never truly suited it. It was never going to be mine for long.
The person who took the position from me shone with so much talent, I stood no chance.
[He stays quiet, expression tightening up until Yin Yu mentions that the position was taken from him. Not reassigned, or given away. Taken.
With how Yin Yu clearly seems to have put effort into acheiving such a role, despite how well he feels he may have belonged, the idea that that could just be robbed due to natural talent is a punch to the gut.]
That shouldn't matter. That role was yours - you earned it. Who in the world would push you out of something like that?
[How much of an insect did they consider Yin Yu to shove him aside so easily?]
It wasn't his fault. [ yin yu says, quietly. the guilt is like an iron weight resting his shoulders, pushing them down even further. this is the deepest depth of yin yu's regrets. his troubles. all of them come down to one person, and that one person wasn't even aware something was wrong until it was too late.
for a moment, that's all he really has to say. yin yu has to tread carefully: he has always been very careful with his words, and this is no exception. the wrong thing can drag him downwards into a spiral of regret and bitter anger that he wants to try and avoid. that he always wanted to avoid. i don't want to fight, he had said to jian yu. no one would let him accept himself for the failure that he was until it was too late.
eventually, though, he takes a deep breath, and lets a little more of that shadow unstick itself from his heart. ] ...the current martial god of the West was my shidi - a disciple who studied under me in our sect. I was the one who brought him into the sect off of the streets, and I chose him to ascend as a middle official in my court, too.
[ this tale just gets more and more tragic. in this case, the student didn't just surpass the teacher in old age; the student was better than the teacher from the start. ]
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...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
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it's funny. he knows that he and guy are similar, in many ways, but the depth of it sometimes comes to surprise him. how rare, how pleasant, to not only bond with someone because of the circumstances of your life, but of your problems and troubles, too.
that's why it's easy to talk to him. that's why even after just one meeting, he'd found himself more comfortable around guy than he had almost anyone. even sometimes with flayn: there were things he would never tell her, would never want her to know, that he's only just now learning to accept, too.
maybe it's the gentle burn of the not great alcohol that makes him want to talk, but it's not. it's just-- it's having this kind of relationship with someone, born out of trust, born out of having a friend who just knows what it's like. not even jian yu ever really understood yin yu, or at least not the way he thought; that was half of their issue, in the end.
the silence remains, for just a little longer. when yin yu does speak, it's soft, and he turns his wrist so the liquid in his glass moves with it, fixated on it. his expression is hard to read, but, there's something deeply sad in his dark eyes. ] ...I never made the effort.
The thing that I regret most, I - [ go die! he'd said. he stops himself, closes his eyes briefly against the bitter tide of old memories that threatens to consume him, like it always does. grief and guilt follow him like a shadow, a ball and chain that yin yu has never freed himself from. ] ...I still don't know if I want to make amends or not.
[ but quan yizhen does. because he doesn't understand the severity. he can't, can he? he's a fool - and the excited way he'd screamed shixiong! when he realized that he'd finally, finally found yin yu -- that he'd been looking -- ] I don't know if I can, even now.
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Part of him wants to pry, to ask Yin Yu what he means. But subtlety is skmething frustrating to grasp under the influence and buzz of the alcohol already in his system. So he has to take a second to think over how to respond - how he would want to be responded to, if their situations were reveresed.
Thankfully, he knows that's already happened, and it provides the best example he can think of.]
...You know, when Luke first came back to the manor after his kidnapping, I wasn't sure how to feel, either. The hatred didn't go anywhere, nor did what I wanted to do. Making amends for anything was the last thing on my mind. But the kid in front of me was different, and it kind of made me sick.
When he had learned how to talk again, I had asked him if it was hard not having his memory. All he told me was that "You can't move forward if you keep looking back." That he didn't need a past.
[He scoffs lightly, putting his glass down for a moment. For someone who had strived all his actions because of his past, that went about as well as expected.]
I hated that response at first. What could he know about that, right? He was just a kid who didn't know anything except for what he was fed by his family. As far as I was concerned, he still deserved to die.
But that answer still haunted me for a long time.
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...but, the memory share week did have one memory related outcome that turned out well, for yin yu. it was a memory he'd shared from someone else, with a very important person. you must live your life fully, in the present moment, she had said, and when guy speaks, he can hear it in her voice, in the back of his head, a stirring of deep, bitter emotions and fondness mixing together like a vicegrip and squeezing around his heart.
learning to live by that adage has been one of the cruxes of his growth, here. sitting on this floor in this bar of an empty castle, he can let the fact that that growth is still something he's working for flood through him. ] ...someone said something like that to me once, too.
To escape the mistakes and the regrets you have made so simply feels an impossible task, doesn't it? [ it's an agreement, a quiet one. yin yu makes a quiet noise of his own, a darker, humorless laugh, and downs the rest of his drink. ] As if it were so easy to simply move on.
What was done was so catastrophic, it wouldn't even be fair of me to do so. And if that dummy even now refuses to believe I did any wrong, then as always, I have to be the one to know reality.
[ ...but quan yizhen...
( "shixiong!" )
quan yizhen did move on, and he was the victim in the first place.
to be willfully obtuse; that must be nice. ]
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...]
Maybe it's not a matter of forgetting versus ignoring, or accepting reality as one thing or another. Maybe it's just a matter of faith. In what a person is, or could be, or just having a chance at something different.
Sometimes reality has to be toppled over a little for that. And sometimes the simpler minded of men have an easier job of that.
You could call it idiotic. Or you could call it insightful. But that's an act of faith on its own.
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...but, when it comes to matters of emotion, and matters of the heart, maybe he is smarter than yin yu could ever claim to be. yasusada reminds him of it, sometimes. that intensity, the feeling that someone just knows you beyond you're willing to be known.
that seems to be his only response, at least for now. but, after a long, thoughtful pause, yin yu sets his empty glass down, and reaches for the right sleeve of his newly slightly more modern turtleneck. his hand hesitates.
...but, he pushes it up. in contrast to the shining gold band on his left wrist, on the right is a dark tattoo. it's stark against his pale skin, and even more so with the faint gold coming from its match on the other side. ]
...The night before your duel, you told me the story of how you had become a retainer. Many things that you told me resonated with me, but I was - and have been -- too much of a coward to share the same.
This mark on my arm was not given to me by choice: it is known as a cursed shackle. It is, in essence, dual purposed. The first is to seal away my spiritual energy - anything that I cultivated in my lifetime is and has been inaccessible to me for three hundred years.
[ yin yu continues looking down at the mark as he talks. it feels like there's a weight on his chest that's being slowly pulled, up, up, up; he presses his thumb to the tattoo, to feel the veins underneath, the pulse of his heart, which flutters underneath his fingerprint. anxiety, guilt, an age old fear and bitterness.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...but the second is to mark me as a banished god.
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[There's a flash of obvious surprise, both at the showing of the tattoo and the words that tumble from his mouth. A god? But...
"Only those who achieve immortality through godhood or cultivation continue to live on--"]
You... actually ascended, then. So why--
[WHY A LOT OF THINGS, TBH. But he cuts himself firmly, sliding his weight over to put a hand to Yin Yu's shoulder, weighted but gentle, far less firm than when he had barked for the other servant's attention during the trial. His voice stays low, a seriousness to it that ]
Hey, look, if... if this is a conversation we need to have in our right minds, don't push yourself. You're not obligated to share.
I'll listen, regardless. You know I will. I hope you know, anyway. But there's...
There's already been enough forcing of our hands as it is, you know? That damn wedding, the trials showing for everyone, the forced emotions and memories... I don't want something like this to just be another regret out of your control.
But if that's not it, if you're sure... I'll listen. I want to.
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...it shouldn't really be that surprising, though. guy is always like this - considerate of others, helpful to others. it's something yin yu likes about him, a lot. for a moment, he stares, searching his face...
...and then he laughs. it's a snort, but pretty sudden for a quiet guy like yin yu, who shakes his head, reaching instead for the bottle to top off his own drink. ] I think if it was not like this, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
[ he's not particularly wasted or anything--his constitution is fairly strong, but the warmth of the alcohol and the company certainly helps in loosening his tongue, at least a little bit. the fact that he feels like he can talk about it makes him feel like yin yu is observing himself from a distance, like this is some strange scientific outcome instead of actually the words out of his mouth. after all, yin yu is more than aware of his (many) character defects, and bottling up his problems is arguably one of the worst of them.
guy's words made him think, anyway. he's correct, the trials, the forced emotions, the memories; all of those things were terrible (mostly), particularly the last one. and when his hand was forced, and his worst secret was exposed like it was nothing, yin yu didn't explain. he didn't try. he ran. from lili and flayn both - he ran.
but he brought this up on his own.
yin yu willingly brought it up on his own.
he's more stunned at himself than anything else.
there's a long moment where he seems to process, but as he looks back at him, he rests his hand back on top of the shackle, and speaks quietly. ] ...Ask your questions. It's alright.
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So long as you're sure.
We could go back and forth, if you want. What was the game called back at camp... twenty questions, right?
I'll ask you about what happened. And you can ask me something in return, if you want.
...Pretty sure I cheated being able to listen in on most of those, though, so sorry if I already know you prefer spicy food. [Said as he tips his glass back with a sly smirk.]
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I ended up playing that game more times than I expected. [ asch's version was especially.
it was something.
yin yu leans back, closing his eyes. the feathers of his effect-gifted wings rustle pleasantly, and he shifts to avoid smushing them up against the wall behind him so they stretch out. he still feels...odd. sort of prickly, adrenaline and anxiety a low undercurrent to this potential conversation, but it's not so overwhelming that he's going to clam up and stop talking. ] It is a long, sad story, with many details, most of which will make you think far less of me as a person.
[ but, he picks his glass up, and tips it towards guy. ] But... very well. If I ask to pass a question, I hope that you will show me some mercy.
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[He might be especially nosy, but he knew very well the importance of keeping certain information to ones own self, and the way it opened up a man like a rotting corpse if exposed in the worse ways.
Well. To keep this fair, he'll make sure his own glass is topped off before starting. He can tell he's getting a little dizzy, but it's fine. He doesn't plan on moving any time soon.]
I know you had a previous life as a noble. Were you granted a chance at immortality, or did you have to earn it?
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I earned it. [ for certain. ] I was granted no special status as a disciple because the sect I was in was that of my family. I had no special talents or abilities of my own. I practiced my cultivation as hard as I could in order to ascend - no sudden or theatrical displays of bravery or talent.
[ so unlike many of his once compatriots, he ascended the old fashioned way. his turn, huh. ]
How does it feel to have returned to lordship, truly? [ yin yu can't imagine such a thing for himself, and... honestly, he doesn't want it, he doesn't think. if you offered him godhood again -- well... maybe. ]
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So an ascension through hard work as its own merit, rather than as a martyr or a hero. I could see the appeal.
[As for his own question, he has to take a second to bat away the surface answers. Yin Yu was bearing himself honestly. He might as well try to do the same, to a point.]
Mm. That's a good question.
...It's not something I thought I'd be able to do again, so it still doesn't feel real most days. I've only had my title back for two years, and even in that time... it's not really the same. I wouldn't walk away from it. I have a duty under birthright. But...
...
What I do for His Majesty as a landless Count is not much different than what I ever did as a servant, expect maybe with far more political paperwork. I'm still very green, and the actions I've taken under my family name are things that the House of Lords would probably frown on. If His Majesty wasn't gracious, I sometimes wonder if I'd never get the chance. Guess you could say a life of intentional servitude rubbed off on me pretty hard, because... well, I really miss it sometimes.
[He'll nod towards Yin Yu.]
Was that cultivation something that took a good portion of your lifetime to earn?
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it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
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[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
...]
Promise you won't laugh?
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but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
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He used to keep it long and was always pretty vain about it. But it was about the only time I could just sit him down and have him stay still for the sake of it. We'd talk about stupid stuff to keep him distracted, or he'd watch the birds from his bedroom window.
After the kidnapping, he wasn't allowed to leave the manor, so he was always pretty bored. I'd try to tell him stories. Sometimes it hit, sometimes it didn't. He was a kid, what could you expect, right?
[Even before, when he'd taken hatred in the task and wished he was holding a knife rather than a brush... Sometimes it was easier to converse when your master couldn't watch your face.]
...
Kind of specific, but... that's the sort of stuff I miss.
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he wouldn't do such things for hua cheng. their relationship doesn't work that way - it would be extremely strange if it did - and while he's sure he will inevitably end up working as a servant for taizi dianxia when everything is over, he probably won't do things like that for him, either. (yin yu is fairly sure that if dianxia asked him to do it, hua cheng may turn him into ash before he had a chance to even say he would.)
but, the way that guy explains it makes sense. it reminds him of yizhen, a little. old days spent with a jade comb and a bowl of water, trying desperately to tame his wild curls. ] ...I understand.
[ yin yu doesn't push, or ask for more explanation, or really give one of his own. he's not sure if he can cope with the small positive memories of his time with quan yizhen, not yet. they feel too big, pressed like dried flowers underneath a mountain of his guilt and despair. ]
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...
His next question comes carefully, with an openness of someone that has nothing but curiosity for something he knows he cannot understand.]
...What was it like? Being ascended to the state of a god, I mean.
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yin yu looks down at his glass again. ]
...Not everything it's cracked up to be. [ this time, the bitterness, the sadness - it's there, heavy like a weight on his shoulders, all over his face. there's a little smile on yin yu's face, but nothing about it is warm. just - hurt, a sort of detached irony to the situation that he came to find himself in. ]
The heavens are full of a certain kind of people. If it is a crowd you do not belong with, it does not take long to come to that knowledge. [ and for yin yu, a nobody, a plain faced, talentless person - he was almost destined to be outshined. ] I did the best that I could, but ultimately, my best was not nearly enough. No matter how hard I worked, it was not a place I belonged.
[ there were a few months of shining, warm glory, but even that was fleeting. ]
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Well? screw the 20 questions format for a second, because this one looks like it's hitting a place that hurts for Yin Yu. The idea of seclusion in the land of the living was understandable, but to those that had moved on... was there even a point? Why in the world wouldn't someone with the determination and kindness of Yin Yu be welcome somewhere that could only be accessed by very few to begin with?
To think the answer coukd be the same as the living is almost sickening, and the offense on Yin Yu's behalf ripples into his tone.]
..Were there no others there that had done the same as you? You couldn't have been the only one to work your way to that by your own hands... you said it was cultivation, right?
Was that poorly looked upon?
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Even now, in the service of Hua Chengzhu, the god that I interact with the most is so famous that there were tales told of his pure heart and amazing capability. They are, in essence, the best of the best that the mortal realm has to offer.
[ yin yu's voice is even, but he's quieted. softer. sadder. its in moments like these that him being so presenceless makes the most sense. he seems almost transparent, burdened by his own misery. ] While it is true that I earned it, it was in no way so grandiose. I may have been fine as a middle official - a lesser god, in the service of another, as most others who cultivate to immortality do - but no matter how I may have received my position as the Martial God of the West, I never truly suited it. It was never going to be mine for long.
The person who took the position from me shone with so much talent, I stood no chance.
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With how Yin Yu clearly seems to have put effort into acheiving such a role, despite how well he feels he may have belonged, the idea that that could just be robbed due to natural talent is a punch to the gut.]
That shouldn't matter. That role was yours - you earned it. Who in the world would push you out of something like that?
[How much of an insect did they consider Yin Yu to shove him aside so easily?]
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It wasn't his fault. [ yin yu says, quietly. the guilt is like an iron weight resting his shoulders, pushing them down even further. this is the deepest depth of yin yu's regrets. his troubles. all of them come down to one person, and that one person wasn't even aware something was wrong until it was too late.
for a moment, that's all he really has to say. yin yu has to tread carefully: he has always been very careful with his words, and this is no exception. the wrong thing can drag him downwards into a spiral of regret and bitter anger that he wants to try and avoid. that he always wanted to avoid. i don't want to fight, he had said to jian yu. no one would let him accept himself for the failure that he was until it was too late.
eventually, though, he takes a deep breath, and lets a little more of that shadow unstick itself from his heart. ] ...the current martial god of the West was my shidi - a disciple who studied under me in our sect. I was the one who brought him into the sect off of the streets, and I chose him to ascend as a middle official in my court, too.
[ this tale just gets more and more tragic. in this case, the student didn't just surpass the teacher in old age; the student was better than the teacher from the start. ]