yin yu's brow furrows, briefly, and he looks down into his drink for a moment to let that resonate. truly, how many people were returned back just to play in this farce of a game? ] ...It seems an understatement to say things where you come from are quite complicated.
[...Ah. He gives an apologetic nod.] ...A lot happened within just a year's time. I don't think I could explain all of it even if I wanted to.
But part of Luke's wish at the temple was for Asch to have another chance at life along with him. If Asch would like to spend that life away from Auldrant, then he has every right. His past was robbed from him, as was any future he could have hoped for, so if he doesn't want to return home with me, then that's fine.
I just can't allow him to willingly walk back to his death unless that's truly what he wants. He has people who would gladly take him under their wing so that he can have a life again.
I can't force it on him. And who knows... maybe Luke's wish is being granted simply by Asch having this chance here, as demented as this place is. I just hope he isn't too caught up in his own pain to miss taking that chance, you know?
Mn. [ a soft noise of agreement, as he considers all of the factors, as he considers the type of person that he knows master asch to be. it's a lot to think about, and for a moment, he stay silent, reflective as ever, letting the heavy information settle about his shoulders like a cloak. ]
...I think this place will have inspired a change in all of us. There's no way to say if that's positive or negative - only time will tell.
[ he leans back a little further against the wall, feathers fluffing outwards to support him as he does. ] Do you think that he'll not return back to your world, then?
[That gets an easy shake of his head, though he looks far from pleased.]
I don't think so, no. As much as I want to take him back, I think there's too many bitter memories he would have to face, ones that don't have an easy resolution. Even if he determined to stand on his own, just like he had tried before, he'd likely still have to live every day being a shadow to his own replica.
Given that the fight that led to his eventual death was to try to settle their own identities between one another, as two separate instances of the boy known as Luke fon Fabre... who knows. I think Asch would rather die than put himself in that position again.
[ that makes perfect sense, and it's a choice well made. standing in someone else's shadow is... well. it's something that yin yu is inherently, unfortunately, very familiar with. ]
I do not think anyone would begrudge him for such a thing. I hope in that case that you're correct, Guy.
Yeah, well. I don't know if I want to be correct or not anymore.
We've been fighting since the day we got here. If I were still alive, he would probably have asked me to kill him at some point. So who knows if he's listened to me, or if he really is still on a suicide march.
It's not my responsibility. He hasn't been my master for almost a decade. As much as I want to make sure he has someone on his side, to make amends somehow... He still expects Guy as a servant, and I think part of me still expects Luke. The old Luke. [The one he wanted to murder.] To put that aside and just try to be Asch and Gailardia... I don't know if it will happen anymore. I can't give him the loyalty he wants without a reason of my own.
[He rubs at his face with one hand, grumbling.]
Wish I had more time to look for one outside of this stupid place.
[ pfft. yin yu huffs a soft, humorless laugh, raising his glass to that. this stupid place, indeed. ]
It's not as if you had much time to speak to each other over it. [ considering. ] ...Though, I don't think I would have, were I in your shoes: the fact that you may even want to speaks plenty of your character.
[ ...maybe. as ever, his thoughts drift unbidden to quan yizhen, and all of the things he left unsaid. if you asked him before all of this nightmare about yizhen, he would have run in the opposite direction -- he did, in fact, run in the opposite direction when he saw him last -- but...
he's done a lot of growing, lately.
yin yu falls quiet, for a moment lost in his own thoughts, looking down at the liquid in his glass. ]
Two months ago, I don't think I would have tried. But my choices at the temple made me realize some things about what I thought I valued, and how I was choosing to handle it.
...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
it's funny. he knows that he and guy are similar, in many ways, but the depth of it sometimes comes to surprise him. how rare, how pleasant, to not only bond with someone because of the circumstances of your life, but of your problems and troubles, too.
that's why it's easy to talk to him. that's why even after just one meeting, he'd found himself more comfortable around guy than he had almost anyone. even sometimes with flayn: there were things he would never tell her, would never want her to know, that he's only just now learning to accept, too.
maybe it's the gentle burn of the not great alcohol that makes him want to talk, but it's not. it's just-- it's having this kind of relationship with someone, born out of trust, born out of having a friend who just knows what it's like. not even jian yu ever really understood yin yu, or at least not the way he thought; that was half of their issue, in the end.
the silence remains, for just a little longer. when yin yu does speak, it's soft, and he turns his wrist so the liquid in his glass moves with it, fixated on it. his expression is hard to read, but, there's something deeply sad in his dark eyes. ] ...I never made the effort.
The thing that I regret most, I - [ go die! he'd said. he stops himself, closes his eyes briefly against the bitter tide of old memories that threatens to consume him, like it always does. grief and guilt follow him like a shadow, a ball and chain that yin yu has never freed himself from. ] ...I still don't know if I want to make amends or not.
[ but quan yizhen does. because he doesn't understand the severity. he can't, can he? he's a fool - and the excited way he'd screamed shixiong! when he realized that he'd finally, finally found yin yu -- that he'd been looking -- ] I don't know if I can, even now.
Part of him wants to pry, to ask Yin Yu what he means. But subtlety is skmething frustrating to grasp under the influence and buzz of the alcohol already in his system. So he has to take a second to think over how to respond - how he would want to be responded to, if their situations were reveresed.
Thankfully, he knows that's already happened, and it provides the best example he can think of.]
...You know, when Luke first came back to the manor after his kidnapping, I wasn't sure how to feel, either. The hatred didn't go anywhere, nor did what I wanted to do. Making amends for anything was the last thing on my mind. But the kid in front of me was different, and it kind of made me sick.
When he had learned how to talk again, I had asked him if it was hard not having his memory. All he told me was that "You can't move forward if you keep looking back." That he didn't need a past.
[He scoffs lightly, putting his glass down for a moment. For someone who had strived all his actions because of his past, that went about as well as expected.]
I hated that response at first. What could he know about that, right? He was just a kid who didn't know anything except for what he was fed by his family. As far as I was concerned, he still deserved to die.
[ well. luke is certainly wiser than the ghost that haunts yin yu, if that's anything to be reckoned with.
...but, the memory share week did have one memory related outcome that turned out well, for yin yu. it was a memory he'd shared from someone else, with a very important person. you must live your life fully, in the present moment, she had said, and when guy speaks, he can hear it in her voice, in the back of his head, a stirring of deep, bitter emotions and fondness mixing together like a vicegrip and squeezing around his heart.
learning to live by that adage has been one of the cruxes of his growth, here. sitting on this floor in this bar of an empty castle, he can let the fact that that growth is still something he's working for flood through him. ] ...someone said something like that to me once, too.
To escape the mistakes and the regrets you have made so simply feels an impossible task, doesn't it? [ it's an agreement, a quiet one. yin yu makes a quiet noise of his own, a darker, humorless laugh, and downs the rest of his drink. ] As if it were so easy to simply move on.
What was done was so catastrophic, it wouldn't even be fair of me to do so. And if that dummy even now refuses to believe I did any wrong, then as always, I have to be the one to know reality.
[ ...but quan yizhen...
( "shixiong!" )
quan yizhen did move on, and he was the victim in the first place.
[So Yin Yu had acted against someone else, then, and that someone had come back regardless.
...]
Maybe it's not a matter of forgetting versus ignoring, or accepting reality as one thing or another. Maybe it's just a matter of faith. In what a person is, or could be, or just having a chance at something different.
Sometimes reality has to be toppled over a little for that. And sometimes the simpler minded of men have an easier job of that.
You could call it idiotic. Or you could call it insightful. But that's an act of faith on its own.
[ that gets another huff of a laugh out of him. quan yizhen is an idiot. he's certainly not insightful.
...but, when it comes to matters of emotion, and matters of the heart, maybe he is smarter than yin yu could ever claim to be. yasusada reminds him of it, sometimes. that intensity, the feeling that someone just knows you beyond you're willing to be known.
that seems to be his only response, at least for now. but, after a long, thoughtful pause, yin yu sets his empty glass down, and reaches for the right sleeve of his newly slightly more modern turtleneck. his hand hesitates.
...but, he pushes it up. in contrast to the shining gold band on his left wrist, on the right is a dark tattoo. it's stark against his pale skin, and even more so with the faint gold coming from its match on the other side. ]
...The night before your duel, you told me the story of how you had become a retainer. Many things that you told me resonated with me, but I was - and have been -- too much of a coward to share the same.
This mark on my arm was not given to me by choice: it is known as a cursed shackle. It is, in essence, dual purposed. The first is to seal away my spiritual energy - anything that I cultivated in my lifetime is and has been inaccessible to me for three hundred years.
[ yin yu continues looking down at the mark as he talks. it feels like there's a weight on his chest that's being slowly pulled, up, up, up; he presses his thumb to the tattoo, to feel the veins underneath, the pulse of his heart, which flutters underneath his fingerprint. anxiety, guilt, an age old fear and bitterness.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...but the second is to mark me as a banished god.
[There's a flash of obvious surprise, both at the showing of the tattoo and the words that tumble from his mouth. A god? But...
"Only those who achieve immortality through godhood or cultivation continue to live on--"]
You... actually ascended, then. So why--
[WHY A LOT OF THINGS, TBH. But he cuts himself firmly, sliding his weight over to put a hand to Yin Yu's shoulder, weighted but gentle, far less firm than when he had barked for the other servant's attention during the trial. His voice stays low, a seriousness to it that ]
Hey, look, if... if this is a conversation we need to have in our right minds, don't push yourself. You're not obligated to share.
I'll listen, regardless. You know I will. I hope you know, anyway. But there's...
There's already been enough forcing of our hands as it is, you know? That damn wedding, the trials showing for everyone, the forced emotions and memories... I don't want something like this to just be another regret out of your control.
But if that's not it, if you're sure... I'll listen. I want to.
[ oh. the hand on his shoulder shakes him out of his thought process, the way he was staring at the shackle, and he turns to look at guy properly, eyes a little wide at the concern.
...it shouldn't really be that surprising, though. guy is always like this - considerate of others, helpful to others. it's something yin yu likes about him, a lot. for a moment, he stares, searching his face...
...and then he laughs. it's a snort, but pretty sudden for a quiet guy like yin yu, who shakes his head, reaching instead for the bottle to top off his own drink. ] I think if it was not like this, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
[ he's not particularly wasted or anything--his constitution is fairly strong, but the warmth of the alcohol and the company certainly helps in loosening his tongue, at least a little bit. the fact that he feels like he can talk about it makes him feel like yin yu is observing himself from a distance, like this is some strange scientific outcome instead of actually the words out of his mouth. after all, yin yu is more than aware of his (many) character defects, and bottling up his problems is arguably one of the worst of them.
guy's words made him think, anyway. he's correct, the trials, the forced emotions, the memories; all of those things were terrible (mostly), particularly the last one. and when his hand was forced, and his worst secret was exposed like it was nothing, yin yu didn't explain. he didn't try. he ran. from lili and flayn both - he ran.
but he brought this up on his own.
yin yu willingly brought it up on his own.
he's more stunned at himself than anything else.
there's a long moment where he seems to process, but as he looks back at him, he rests his hand back on top of the shackle, and speaks quietly. ] ...Ask your questions. It's alright.
[Ah. Yeah, he can understand that. But ther permission gets an honest smile and another wag of his tail, though this time he doesn't bother to stop himself.]
So long as you're sure.
We could go back and forth, if you want. What was the game called back at camp... twenty questions, right?
I'll ask you about what happened. And you can ask me something in return, if you want.
...Pretty sure I cheated being able to listen in on most of those, though, so sorry if I already know you prefer spicy food. [Said as he tips his glass back with a sly smirk.]
[ pfft. this time, when yin yu laughs, it's a little more sincere, a little less dark. guy's way of lightning his mood is pretty impressive. it may be terrible to be dead, but... at least he's gotten to spend more time with someone who he has come to comfortably call his friend. ]
I ended up playing that game more times than I expected. [ asch's version was especially.
it was something.
yin yu leans back, closing his eyes. the feathers of his effect-gifted wings rustle pleasantly, and he shifts to avoid smushing them up against the wall behind him so they stretch out. he still feels...odd. sort of prickly, adrenaline and anxiety a low undercurrent to this potential conversation, but it's not so overwhelming that he's going to clam up and stop talking. ] It is a long, sad story, with many details, most of which will make you think far less of me as a person.
[ but, he picks his glass up, and tips it towards guy. ] But... very well. If I ask to pass a question, I hope that you will show me some mercy.
Of course. You've shown the same to me. I don't see why I shouldn't extend the favor when it truly counts.
[He might be especially nosy, but he knew very well the importance of keeping certain information to ones own self, and the way it opened up a man like a rotting corpse if exposed in the worse ways.
Well. To keep this fair, he'll make sure his own glass is topped off before starting. He can tell he's getting a little dizzy, but it's fine. He doesn't plan on moving any time soon.]
I know you had a previous life as a noble. Were you granted a chance at immortality, or did you have to earn it?
[ that's an interesting way to start. he regards the glass, and... for a brief moment, guy might see something like pride flicker across his eyes. ]
I earned it. [ for certain. ] I was granted no special status as a disciple because the sect I was in was that of my family. I had no special talents or abilities of my own. I practiced my cultivation as hard as I could in order to ascend - no sudden or theatrical displays of bravery or talent.
[ so unlike many of his once compatriots, he ascended the old fashioned way. his turn, huh. ]
How does it feel to have returned to lordship, truly? [ yin yu can't imagine such a thing for himself, and... honestly, he doesn't want it, he doesn't think. if you offered him godhood again -- well... maybe. ]
[Somehow that answer doesn't surprise him. Given how hard Yin Yu works while asking for nothing in return, it sheds light onto an ethic you couldn't just learn overnight.]
So an ascension through hard work as its own merit, rather than as a martyr or a hero. I could see the appeal.
[As for his own question, he has to take a second to bat away the surface answers. Yin Yu was bearing himself honestly. He might as well try to do the same, to a point.]
Mm. That's a good question.
...It's not something I thought I'd be able to do again, so it still doesn't feel real most days. I've only had my title back for two years, and even in that time... it's not really the same. I wouldn't walk away from it. I have a duty under birthright. But...
...
What I do for His Majesty as a landless Count is not much different than what I ever did as a servant, expect maybe with far more political paperwork. I'm still very green, and the actions I've taken under my family name are things that the House of Lords would probably frown on. If His Majesty wasn't gracious, I sometimes wonder if I'd never get the chance. Guess you could say a life of intentional servitude rubbed off on me pretty hard, because... well, I really miss it sometimes.
[He'll nod towards Yin Yu.]
Was that cultivation something that took a good portion of your lifetime to earn?
[ that's exactly right. though now that little victory feels like absolutely nothing in the face of all of his crushing failures, yin yu did earn his godhood. not like general pei, not like the heavenly emperor, not even like taizi dianxia - because he wasn't extraordinary. the only thing that was extraordinary about him was his work ethic.
it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
Simple, but in an important way. To value hard work means something entirely different to a lord than it does to those he reigns over.
[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
[ yin yu just gives a demure nod of his head to that, a twitch of an amused smile on his face, but doesn't regard it after. his plain face hasn't changed in three hundred years, yeah--he'd say he's a bit older than guy, to say the least.
but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Master Asch has passed on at home, for the two of you, as well?
no subject
Asch was killed the same day that Luke died, two years ago.
no subject
whoof.
yin yu's brow furrows, briefly, and he looks down into his drink for a moment to let that resonate. truly, how many people were returned back just to play in this farce of a game? ] ...It seems an understatement to say things where you come from are quite complicated.
no subject
But part of Luke's wish at the temple was for Asch to have another chance at life along with him. If Asch would like to spend that life away from Auldrant, then he has every right. His past was robbed from him, as was any future he could have hoped for, so if he doesn't want to return home with me, then that's fine.
I just can't allow him to willingly walk back to his death unless that's truly what he wants. He has people who would gladly take him under their wing so that he can have a life again.
I can't force it on him. And who knows... maybe Luke's wish is being granted simply by Asch having this chance here, as demented as this place is. I just hope he isn't too caught up in his own pain to miss taking that chance, you know?
no subject
...I think this place will have inspired a change in all of us. There's no way to say if that's positive or negative - only time will tell.
[ he leans back a little further against the wall, feathers fluffing outwards to support him as he does. ] Do you think that he'll not return back to your world, then?
no subject
I don't think so, no. As much as I want to take him back, I think there's too many bitter memories he would have to face, ones that don't have an easy resolution. Even if he determined to stand on his own, just like he had tried before, he'd likely still have to live every day being a shadow to his own replica.
Given that the fight that led to his eventual death was to try to settle their own identities between one another, as two separate instances of the boy known as Luke fon Fabre... who knows. I think Asch would rather die than put himself in that position again.
no subject
I do not think anyone would begrudge him for such a thing. I hope in that case that you're correct, Guy.
no subject
Yeah, well. I don't know if I want to be correct or not anymore.
We've been fighting since the day we got here. If I were still alive, he would probably have asked me to kill him at some point. So who knows if he's listened to me, or if he really is still on a suicide march.
It's not my responsibility. He hasn't been my master for almost a decade. As much as I want to make sure he has someone on his side, to make amends somehow... He still expects Guy as a servant, and I think part of me still expects Luke. The old Luke. [The one he wanted to murder.] To put that aside and just try to be Asch and Gailardia... I don't know if it will happen anymore. I can't give him the loyalty he wants without a reason of my own.
[He rubs at his face with one hand, grumbling.]
Wish I had more time to look for one outside of this stupid place.
no subject
It's not as if you had much time to speak to each other over it. [ considering. ] ...Though, I don't think I would have, were I in your shoes: the fact that you may even want to speaks plenty of your character.
[ ...maybe. as ever, his thoughts drift unbidden to quan yizhen, and all of the things he left unsaid. if you asked him before all of this nightmare about yizhen, he would have run in the opposite direction -- he did, in fact, run in the opposite direction when he saw him last -- but...
he's done a lot of growing, lately.
yin yu falls quiet, for a moment lost in his own thoughts, looking down at the liquid in his glass. ]
no subject
...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
no subject
it's funny. he knows that he and guy are similar, in many ways, but the depth of it sometimes comes to surprise him. how rare, how pleasant, to not only bond with someone because of the circumstances of your life, but of your problems and troubles, too.
that's why it's easy to talk to him. that's why even after just one meeting, he'd found himself more comfortable around guy than he had almost anyone. even sometimes with flayn: there were things he would never tell her, would never want her to know, that he's only just now learning to accept, too.
maybe it's the gentle burn of the not great alcohol that makes him want to talk, but it's not. it's just-- it's having this kind of relationship with someone, born out of trust, born out of having a friend who just knows what it's like. not even jian yu ever really understood yin yu, or at least not the way he thought; that was half of their issue, in the end.
the silence remains, for just a little longer. when yin yu does speak, it's soft, and he turns his wrist so the liquid in his glass moves with it, fixated on it. his expression is hard to read, but, there's something deeply sad in his dark eyes. ] ...I never made the effort.
The thing that I regret most, I - [ go die! he'd said. he stops himself, closes his eyes briefly against the bitter tide of old memories that threatens to consume him, like it always does. grief and guilt follow him like a shadow, a ball and chain that yin yu has never freed himself from. ] ...I still don't know if I want to make amends or not.
[ but quan yizhen does. because he doesn't understand the severity. he can't, can he? he's a fool - and the excited way he'd screamed shixiong! when he realized that he'd finally, finally found yin yu -- that he'd been looking -- ] I don't know if I can, even now.
no subject
Part of him wants to pry, to ask Yin Yu what he means. But subtlety is skmething frustrating to grasp under the influence and buzz of the alcohol already in his system. So he has to take a second to think over how to respond - how he would want to be responded to, if their situations were reveresed.
Thankfully, he knows that's already happened, and it provides the best example he can think of.]
...You know, when Luke first came back to the manor after his kidnapping, I wasn't sure how to feel, either. The hatred didn't go anywhere, nor did what I wanted to do. Making amends for anything was the last thing on my mind. But the kid in front of me was different, and it kind of made me sick.
When he had learned how to talk again, I had asked him if it was hard not having his memory. All he told me was that "You can't move forward if you keep looking back." That he didn't need a past.
[He scoffs lightly, putting his glass down for a moment. For someone who had strived all his actions because of his past, that went about as well as expected.]
I hated that response at first. What could he know about that, right? He was just a kid who didn't know anything except for what he was fed by his family. As far as I was concerned, he still deserved to die.
But that answer still haunted me for a long time.
no subject
...but, the memory share week did have one memory related outcome that turned out well, for yin yu. it was a memory he'd shared from someone else, with a very important person. you must live your life fully, in the present moment, she had said, and when guy speaks, he can hear it in her voice, in the back of his head, a stirring of deep, bitter emotions and fondness mixing together like a vicegrip and squeezing around his heart.
learning to live by that adage has been one of the cruxes of his growth, here. sitting on this floor in this bar of an empty castle, he can let the fact that that growth is still something he's working for flood through him. ] ...someone said something like that to me once, too.
To escape the mistakes and the regrets you have made so simply feels an impossible task, doesn't it? [ it's an agreement, a quiet one. yin yu makes a quiet noise of his own, a darker, humorless laugh, and downs the rest of his drink. ] As if it were so easy to simply move on.
What was done was so catastrophic, it wouldn't even be fair of me to do so. And if that dummy even now refuses to believe I did any wrong, then as always, I have to be the one to know reality.
[ ...but quan yizhen...
( "shixiong!" )
quan yizhen did move on, and he was the victim in the first place.
to be willfully obtuse; that must be nice. ]
no subject
...]
Maybe it's not a matter of forgetting versus ignoring, or accepting reality as one thing or another. Maybe it's just a matter of faith. In what a person is, or could be, or just having a chance at something different.
Sometimes reality has to be toppled over a little for that. And sometimes the simpler minded of men have an easier job of that.
You could call it idiotic. Or you could call it insightful. But that's an act of faith on its own.
no subject
...but, when it comes to matters of emotion, and matters of the heart, maybe he is smarter than yin yu could ever claim to be. yasusada reminds him of it, sometimes. that intensity, the feeling that someone just knows you beyond you're willing to be known.
that seems to be his only response, at least for now. but, after a long, thoughtful pause, yin yu sets his empty glass down, and reaches for the right sleeve of his newly slightly more modern turtleneck. his hand hesitates.
...but, he pushes it up. in contrast to the shining gold band on his left wrist, on the right is a dark tattoo. it's stark against his pale skin, and even more so with the faint gold coming from its match on the other side. ]
...The night before your duel, you told me the story of how you had become a retainer. Many things that you told me resonated with me, but I was - and have been -- too much of a coward to share the same.
This mark on my arm was not given to me by choice: it is known as a cursed shackle. It is, in essence, dual purposed. The first is to seal away my spiritual energy - anything that I cultivated in my lifetime is and has been inaccessible to me for three hundred years.
[ yin yu continues looking down at the mark as he talks. it feels like there's a weight on his chest that's being slowly pulled, up, up, up; he presses his thumb to the tattoo, to feel the veins underneath, the pulse of his heart, which flutters underneath his fingerprint. anxiety, guilt, an age old fear and bitterness.
you have to live in the present moment. ] ...but the second is to mark me as a banished god.
no subject
[There's a flash of obvious surprise, both at the showing of the tattoo and the words that tumble from his mouth. A god? But...
"Only those who achieve immortality through godhood or cultivation continue to live on--"]
You... actually ascended, then. So why--
[WHY A LOT OF THINGS, TBH. But he cuts himself firmly, sliding his weight over to put a hand to Yin Yu's shoulder, weighted but gentle, far less firm than when he had barked for the other servant's attention during the trial. His voice stays low, a seriousness to it that ]
Hey, look, if... if this is a conversation we need to have in our right minds, don't push yourself. You're not obligated to share.
I'll listen, regardless. You know I will. I hope you know, anyway. But there's...
There's already been enough forcing of our hands as it is, you know? That damn wedding, the trials showing for everyone, the forced emotions and memories... I don't want something like this to just be another regret out of your control.
But if that's not it, if you're sure... I'll listen. I want to.
no subject
...it shouldn't really be that surprising, though. guy is always like this - considerate of others, helpful to others. it's something yin yu likes about him, a lot. for a moment, he stares, searching his face...
...and then he laughs. it's a snort, but pretty sudden for a quiet guy like yin yu, who shakes his head, reaching instead for the bottle to top off his own drink. ] I think if it was not like this, we wouldn't be having this conversation at all.
[ he's not particularly wasted or anything--his constitution is fairly strong, but the warmth of the alcohol and the company certainly helps in loosening his tongue, at least a little bit. the fact that he feels like he can talk about it makes him feel like yin yu is observing himself from a distance, like this is some strange scientific outcome instead of actually the words out of his mouth. after all, yin yu is more than aware of his (many) character defects, and bottling up his problems is arguably one of the worst of them.
guy's words made him think, anyway. he's correct, the trials, the forced emotions, the memories; all of those things were terrible (mostly), particularly the last one. and when his hand was forced, and his worst secret was exposed like it was nothing, yin yu didn't explain. he didn't try. he ran. from lili and flayn both - he ran.
but he brought this up on his own.
yin yu willingly brought it up on his own.
he's more stunned at himself than anything else.
there's a long moment where he seems to process, but as he looks back at him, he rests his hand back on top of the shackle, and speaks quietly. ] ...Ask your questions. It's alright.
no subject
So long as you're sure.
We could go back and forth, if you want. What was the game called back at camp... twenty questions, right?
I'll ask you about what happened. And you can ask me something in return, if you want.
...Pretty sure I cheated being able to listen in on most of those, though, so sorry if I already know you prefer spicy food. [Said as he tips his glass back with a sly smirk.]
no subject
I ended up playing that game more times than I expected. [ asch's version was especially.
it was something.
yin yu leans back, closing his eyes. the feathers of his effect-gifted wings rustle pleasantly, and he shifts to avoid smushing them up against the wall behind him so they stretch out. he still feels...odd. sort of prickly, adrenaline and anxiety a low undercurrent to this potential conversation, but it's not so overwhelming that he's going to clam up and stop talking. ] It is a long, sad story, with many details, most of which will make you think far less of me as a person.
[ but, he picks his glass up, and tips it towards guy. ] But... very well. If I ask to pass a question, I hope that you will show me some mercy.
no subject
[He might be especially nosy, but he knew very well the importance of keeping certain information to ones own self, and the way it opened up a man like a rotting corpse if exposed in the worse ways.
Well. To keep this fair, he'll make sure his own glass is topped off before starting. He can tell he's getting a little dizzy, but it's fine. He doesn't plan on moving any time soon.]
I know you had a previous life as a noble. Were you granted a chance at immortality, or did you have to earn it?
no subject
I earned it. [ for certain. ] I was granted no special status as a disciple because the sect I was in was that of my family. I had no special talents or abilities of my own. I practiced my cultivation as hard as I could in order to ascend - no sudden or theatrical displays of bravery or talent.
[ so unlike many of his once compatriots, he ascended the old fashioned way. his turn, huh. ]
How does it feel to have returned to lordship, truly? [ yin yu can't imagine such a thing for himself, and... honestly, he doesn't want it, he doesn't think. if you offered him godhood again -- well... maybe. ]
no subject
So an ascension through hard work as its own merit, rather than as a martyr or a hero. I could see the appeal.
[As for his own question, he has to take a second to bat away the surface answers. Yin Yu was bearing himself honestly. He might as well try to do the same, to a point.]
Mm. That's a good question.
...It's not something I thought I'd be able to do again, so it still doesn't feel real most days. I've only had my title back for two years, and even in that time... it's not really the same. I wouldn't walk away from it. I have a duty under birthright. But...
...
What I do for His Majesty as a landless Count is not much different than what I ever did as a servant, expect maybe with far more political paperwork. I'm still very green, and the actions I've taken under my family name are things that the House of Lords would probably frown on. If His Majesty wasn't gracious, I sometimes wonder if I'd never get the chance. Guess you could say a life of intentional servitude rubbed off on me pretty hard, because... well, I really miss it sometimes.
[He'll nod towards Yin Yu.]
Was that cultivation something that took a good portion of your lifetime to earn?
no subject
it gets a little quirk of a smile from yin yu in recognition, but he listens to guy's answer, glad to move the subject back and forth. even if it's a heavy topic to talk about, and still as prickly and he can imagine, it feels a little like they're sharing the load. he's not sure what kind of answer he was expecting, but...
it's kind of a familiar one none the less. the ghost of that small, thoughtful smile returns, and he nods. ] I can see what you mean. It's... in a lot of ways, it's a life with a simple kind of value to it, isn't it?
[ it suits yin yu just fine.
the asked question accesses that same feeling of old nostalgia, too. ] Mm. I started when I was just about old enough to learn martial techniques... the age that I appear now - [ with a small gesture to himself ] - matches my age when I ascended... so, in my later twenties.
[ it feels so long ago. twenty years is nothing and time passes so strangely, in the heavens, and in the ghost city.
his own question is a little less heavy, but guy got him thinking. ]
What were your favorite duties to do, when you worked with young master Luke? The things that you enjoyed.
no subject
[And despite the company he kept, he spent far more of his life forced into the position of the lower man. Perhaps he might have been a different lord altogether, had it been the only thing he had ever known.]
So that would have put you a little older than myself, then. I'd guessed somewhere around there when I first saw you. Twenty five, maybe thirty. [A nod, easily lifting his glass with a cock of his head.] You're looking very well for being a couple centuries along in your life.
[Another long sip as he considers.]
...Damn. You're gonna make me choose on the spot like this?
[WHAT IF HE JUST LIKES WORKING...
Hm, no, he can whittle it down. What did he miss the most, of what he was doing now versus what he did back then...
...]
Promise you won't laugh?
no subject
but! his question catches his curiosity, and yin yu tilts his head. ] I wouldn't laugh. [ after all, he's certainly done his fair share of duties: some of them may in fact be laughable. ] What is it?
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)
(no subject)