Mm. Reincarnation isn't unheard of on Auldrant as an idea, but... [haha. ha. he's not gonna touch that topic!!!] It doesn't really apply to most people. Most wouldn't consider it.
I prefer it that way, though. If you truly only live once, that means you have to value every second you get, because you won't get a do-over. You live, and you die, and the elements and fonons that make up your body return to the world to make something new. What you live on in is your legacy, and the people who carry who you were.
I'd rather be someone's lasting story than just another gravestone. [Which is why he wants nothing to do with death, and why this place haunts him like a vicegrip to the throat. He has too much of life left for this.]
yin yu tilts his head to look at guy as he speaks. someone's lasting story, huh...
he never really got the chance for that. it suited him that way; yin yu achieved his ultimate dream and learned very quickly it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. for a moment longer he's quiet, letting the solemn seriousness of the moment settle over him like a blanket.
when yin yu does respond, it's thoughtful, soft. ] You would certainly last in mine.
Yin Yu... Hey, you don't... [--have to say it like that. But the thought dies on his lips, a handwave around the subject just not even an option. All that's left is that awkward feeling from before, touched by the compliment but fighting with the feelings it drudges up behind its wake.]
...This isn't how I want to be remembered. [Not as a casualty. Not as he was right now, bitter and petty and holed up in the back of a bar because he'd reached the end of his rope.
His voice drops, though those ears of his don't flatten back again.] But...
Thank you. It's mutual.
It's kind of been a while since I've had someone that treated me like... [nicely. empathetically. honestly.]... you know. As a peer, and not... [Just. Gestures vaguely.]
[ oh - that's not what he really meant, either, and behind him, the feathers of those dumb brightly colored wings puff up a little, like he's surprised. he opens his mouth to say something, refute that (embarrassed, a little, his ears starting to turn red) --
...but, with guy's last statement, he deflates, and rubs the back of his neck. ] That's - what I mean. That is what I would remember: as someone who called me their friend.
[ what a strange concept. he huffs, feathers ruffling behind him. ] ...It's been - I have not had a friend of my own since before I worked for Hua Chengzhu. [ since jian yu. since before the heavens. this sort of emotional bonding talk is making him squirm. ] Before this, it felt quite far fetched.
[ so he's so, so immensely appreciative. though it's terrible that they were reunited in death, yin yu is...selfishly, a little glad that he's able to see his friend again. his friend. ] ...You don't have to explain to me. I understand.
[ and that's why this works so well, isn't it? because it's the camaraderie of a servant, and a servant. of someone who has been through many hardships. of two former nobles who were kicked down to a lower rung in life; but who came to see what they needed, anyway. the difference, for him, between talking to most of the people in camp and talking to guy is almost astounding. ] I am not someone who is easily remembered, so it is - I'm grateful you would say so.
His mouth quirks up, a sheepish but warm smirk of a smile, subtle but oddly more genuine than most pleasant looks he plasters up on a daily basis.]
I say it because it's the truth, you know. It's not like I choose to be around you out of obligation or because I think you're of some crazy use to me. There's things I know you'll understand from experience. More than I thought at first. [It's eerie. Maybe some people would call it fate, but he's never been one to believe in that.] And besides. I just like your presence. You're someone I wouldn't hesitate to say I respected.
One lifetime is already too long a time to spend completely alone. It's my honor to be permitted to keep the space a little less empty for you, as long as you allow it.
[It's mutual trust. Something he hasn't felt since...
I was telling the truth.
It's not that I'm not angered by this. I am. The fact that none of you trusted me shows just what kind of position I was in from the start.
[ yin yu's smile is small, but grateful, in return, and he tips his head downwards in gratitude. ]
The feeling is mutual. [ jian yu, would you be proud of him? or would you be jealous? he thinks they might have gotten along. what a strange feeling, to feel remembered, to feel seen, to feel known. to have the chance to even build a camaraderie with someone, and to so of his own volition. it was slow, but it was his own.
to guy's second comment - which is very thoughtful and sweet, actually - he tips his glass, to offer to clink them together, then downs the rest of his drink and reaches for the bottle to top himself off, and... ]
[He'll extend his glass for that little toast, before leaning his head back against the bar and staring up at the ceiling.]
During the trial, I addressed you in a way that was shameful. You might not agree, but...
Rather than speaking to you as a friend that I know you are, I addressed you in a way I only ever did with those that served my family. A lord knows what words sway his servants into attention, whether good or bad. [With Peregynt, or with Vandesdelca, or the remnants of Hod that walked the mainlands. There was decorum that came out only in private, only with those that swore an oath to him.]
As much as I want to use concern as my excuse, it's not the way I want to be treating a friend, nor is it a way I would want to be treated were our positions reversed.
and then he just -- he doesn't quite laugh, but guy will easily see the flash of amusement on his face as he gets his drink poured. yin yu shakes his head, but he still politely accepts it: ] I appreciate and accept your apology, though there's nothing to really apologize for.
You brought me back from something I didn't want to fall into. It was exactly what I needed to hear, at that moment, and for that I am very grateful. [ which is very much true. but! he accepted the apology, so he bows his head, in warm gratitude.
as he leans back, he sips from his drink, and this time, yin yu's mouth twitches properly into a smile. ] Besides, I've told you something of my lord. He is no born noble - in fact, I was born into a higher standing than he was. Our relationship is a bit odd, in terms of that of a lord and retainer. The only nobles I ever speak to are him, Black Water Sinking Ships, who is... [ ......... ] not particularly noble, and Taizi Dianxia of Xian Le.
It was only out of the habit perhaps of emotion, more so than it was of position or standing, that made it so effective.
I'm glad, then. It still doesn't change my sentiment, though. What staff I have in my home now are there because I've hired them as workers, not retainers. I don't think I've spoken to someone that way in...
[...
He thinks of Van, of the last time he'd heard the righteous pleading and made a choice to refuse and correct the errant ways of a man who had been under his beck and call for years. It feels like yesterday... and, at the same time, like it happened so long ago that he can hardly remember.]
I do work for His Majesty the Emperor. But it isn't as a servant. It's under the vassalship of my father, now that His Majesty knows I wasn't part of those lost in the slaughter of the war. [He'd stayed hidden all those years for several reasons, but the remains of the scar that had turned that on its head were enough of a reminder of why he'd had to return.]
What remains of my father's estate is now part of His Majesty's affairs. Zygmunt Bizan Gardios's county, the Isle of Hod, completely disappeared during the war and sunk into the ocean, for reasons that many were never told. So while I've returned to my duties to His Majesty in my father's absence of my own volition, it is as a landless lord.
[ how complicated, indeed. ] Is that what you will return to you, when this is over?
[ a part of him knows that that question could be extended - with young master luke, but that future is so tentative that he's far too wise to say so. ]
Yeah. Too many people perished in my place for me to entertain anything else anymore. It's not the life I thought I'd go back to. But as the last of my bloodline... well, Gailardia Galan has a lot more to think over for his future than Guy Cecil ever did.
[His grip tightens against his glass.]
...But I won't let a failure on my part lead to my best friend losing his only shot at a second chance. So regardless of what I have to do... I'm not leaving without making sure Luke gets the wish that he earned.
[ 'gailardia galan'... so that's his real name? yin yu mouths it to himself, forming around the unfamiliar syllables. he gets what it means, to slip identities - he himself is far more often the 'xianxianyue officer' than he ever is yin yu, and that suits him just fine.
and besides, guy's resolve is just affirming of their real goals. saving that happy ending, for the people it matters for, for the innocent ones who didn't deserved to be involved at all. people like lady kanroji, somewhere, fast asleep. ]
Therein lies our ultimate goal. I'm with you; it would be unbecoming of the type that we are to leave such a thing unfinished no?
It really would. Asch's life hangs in the balance of that wish as well, though I don't know if it's something he desires. But being the reason he can't have another shot as well will probably put me on a few people's hit lists.
[Just. Kinda said a little too casually, as he swings his glass back again. The dumbass wasn't exactly subtle about announcing that he was dead in the projections from the mansion, so it doesn't feel wrong to share.
yin yu's brow furrows, briefly, and he looks down into his drink for a moment to let that resonate. truly, how many people were returned back just to play in this farce of a game? ] ...It seems an understatement to say things where you come from are quite complicated.
[...Ah. He gives an apologetic nod.] ...A lot happened within just a year's time. I don't think I could explain all of it even if I wanted to.
But part of Luke's wish at the temple was for Asch to have another chance at life along with him. If Asch would like to spend that life away from Auldrant, then he has every right. His past was robbed from him, as was any future he could have hoped for, so if he doesn't want to return home with me, then that's fine.
I just can't allow him to willingly walk back to his death unless that's truly what he wants. He has people who would gladly take him under their wing so that he can have a life again.
I can't force it on him. And who knows... maybe Luke's wish is being granted simply by Asch having this chance here, as demented as this place is. I just hope he isn't too caught up in his own pain to miss taking that chance, you know?
Mn. [ a soft noise of agreement, as he considers all of the factors, as he considers the type of person that he knows master asch to be. it's a lot to think about, and for a moment, he stay silent, reflective as ever, letting the heavy information settle about his shoulders like a cloak. ]
...I think this place will have inspired a change in all of us. There's no way to say if that's positive or negative - only time will tell.
[ he leans back a little further against the wall, feathers fluffing outwards to support him as he does. ] Do you think that he'll not return back to your world, then?
[That gets an easy shake of his head, though he looks far from pleased.]
I don't think so, no. As much as I want to take him back, I think there's too many bitter memories he would have to face, ones that don't have an easy resolution. Even if he determined to stand on his own, just like he had tried before, he'd likely still have to live every day being a shadow to his own replica.
Given that the fight that led to his eventual death was to try to settle their own identities between one another, as two separate instances of the boy known as Luke fon Fabre... who knows. I think Asch would rather die than put himself in that position again.
[ that makes perfect sense, and it's a choice well made. standing in someone else's shadow is... well. it's something that yin yu is inherently, unfortunately, very familiar with. ]
I do not think anyone would begrudge him for such a thing. I hope in that case that you're correct, Guy.
Yeah, well. I don't know if I want to be correct or not anymore.
We've been fighting since the day we got here. If I were still alive, he would probably have asked me to kill him at some point. So who knows if he's listened to me, or if he really is still on a suicide march.
It's not my responsibility. He hasn't been my master for almost a decade. As much as I want to make sure he has someone on his side, to make amends somehow... He still expects Guy as a servant, and I think part of me still expects Luke. The old Luke. [The one he wanted to murder.] To put that aside and just try to be Asch and Gailardia... I don't know if it will happen anymore. I can't give him the loyalty he wants without a reason of my own.
[He rubs at his face with one hand, grumbling.]
Wish I had more time to look for one outside of this stupid place.
[ pfft. yin yu huffs a soft, humorless laugh, raising his glass to that. this stupid place, indeed. ]
It's not as if you had much time to speak to each other over it. [ considering. ] ...Though, I don't think I would have, were I in your shoes: the fact that you may even want to speaks plenty of your character.
[ ...maybe. as ever, his thoughts drift unbidden to quan yizhen, and all of the things he left unsaid. if you asked him before all of this nightmare about yizhen, he would have run in the opposite direction -- he did, in fact, run in the opposite direction when he saw him last -- but...
he's done a lot of growing, lately.
yin yu falls quiet, for a moment lost in his own thoughts, looking down at the liquid in his glass. ]
Two months ago, I don't think I would have tried. But my choices at the temple made me realize some things about what I thought I valued, and how I was choosing to handle it.
...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
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I prefer it that way, though. If you truly only live once, that means you have to value every second you get, because you won't get a do-over. You live, and you die, and the elements and fonons that make up your body return to the world to make something new. What you live on in is your legacy, and the people who carry who you were.
I'd rather be someone's lasting story than just another gravestone. [Which is why he wants nothing to do with death, and why this place haunts him like a vicegrip to the throat. He has too much of life left for this.]
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yin yu tilts his head to look at guy as he speaks. someone's lasting story, huh...
he never really got the chance for that. it suited him that way; yin yu achieved his ultimate dream and learned very quickly it wasn't all it was cracked up to be. for a moment longer he's quiet, letting the solemn seriousness of the moment settle over him like a blanket.
when yin yu does respond, it's thoughtful, soft. ] You would certainly last in mine.
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What?]
Yin Yu... Hey, you don't... [--have to say it like that. But the thought dies on his lips, a handwave around the subject just not even an option. All that's left is that awkward feeling from before, touched by the compliment but fighting with the feelings it drudges up behind its wake.]
...This isn't how I want to be remembered. [Not as a casualty. Not as he was right now, bitter and petty and holed up in the back of a bar because he'd reached the end of his rope.
His voice drops, though those ears of his don't flatten back again.] But...
Thank you. It's mutual.
It's kind of been a while since I've had someone that treated me like... [nicely. empathetically. honestly.]... you know. As a peer, and not... [Just. Gestures vaguely.]
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...but, with guy's last statement, he deflates, and rubs the back of his neck. ] That's - what I mean. That is what I would remember: as someone who called me their friend.
[ what a strange concept. he huffs, feathers ruffling behind him. ] ...It's been - I have not had a friend of my own since before I worked for Hua Chengzhu. [ since jian yu. since before the heavens. this sort of emotional bonding talk is making him squirm. ] Before this, it felt quite far fetched.
[ so he's so, so immensely appreciative. though it's terrible that they were reunited in death, yin yu is...selfishly, a little glad that he's able to see his friend again. his friend. ] ...You don't have to explain to me. I understand.
[ and that's why this works so well, isn't it? because it's the camaraderie of a servant, and a servant. of someone who has been through many hardships. of two former nobles who were kicked down to a lower rung in life; but who came to see what they needed, anyway. the difference, for him, between talking to most of the people in camp and talking to guy is almost astounding. ] I am not someone who is easily remembered, so it is - I'm grateful you would say so.
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His mouth quirks up, a sheepish but warm smirk of a smile, subtle but oddly more genuine than most pleasant looks he plasters up on a daily basis.]
I say it because it's the truth, you know. It's not like I choose to be around you out of obligation or because I think you're of some crazy use to me. There's things I know you'll understand from experience. More than I thought at first. [It's eerie. Maybe some people would call it fate, but he's never been one to believe in that.] And besides. I just like your presence. You're someone I wouldn't hesitate to say I respected.
One lifetime is already too long a time to spend completely alone. It's my honor to be permitted to keep the space a little less empty for you, as long as you allow it.
[It's mutual trust. Something he hasn't felt since...
I was telling the truth.
It's not that I'm not angered by this. I am. The fact that none of you trusted me shows just what kind of position I was in from the start.
...]
I do feel I owe you an apology, though.
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The feeling is mutual. [ jian yu, would you be proud of him? or would you be jealous? he thinks they might have gotten along. what a strange feeling, to feel remembered, to feel seen, to feel known. to have the chance to even build a camaraderie with someone, and to so of his own volition. it was slow, but it was his own.
to guy's second comment - which is very thoughtful and sweet, actually - he tips his glass, to offer to clink them together, then downs the rest of his drink and reaches for the bottle to top himself off, and... ]
...Oh? [ ?? ] Why?
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During the trial, I addressed you in a way that was shameful. You might not agree, but...
Rather than speaking to you as a friend that I know you are, I addressed you in a way I only ever did with those that served my family. A lord knows what words sway his servants into attention, whether good or bad. [With Peregynt, or with Vandesdelca, or the remnants of Hod that walked the mainlands. There was decorum that came out only in private, only with those that swore an oath to him.]
As much as I want to use concern as my excuse, it's not the way I want to be treating a friend, nor is it a way I would want to be treated were our positions reversed.
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yin yu blinks at him, surprised.
and then he just -- he doesn't quite laugh, but guy will easily see the flash of amusement on his face as he gets his drink poured. yin yu shakes his head, but he still politely accepts it: ] I appreciate and accept your apology, though there's nothing to really apologize for.
You brought me back from something I didn't want to fall into. It was exactly what I needed to hear, at that moment, and for that I am very grateful. [ which is very much true. but! he accepted the apology, so he bows his head, in warm gratitude.
as he leans back, he sips from his drink, and this time, yin yu's mouth twitches properly into a smile. ] Besides, I've told you something of my lord. He is no born noble - in fact, I was born into a higher standing than he was. Our relationship is a bit odd, in terms of that of a lord and retainer. The only nobles I ever speak to are him, Black Water Sinking Ships, who is... [ ......... ] not particularly noble, and Taizi Dianxia of Xian Le.
It was only out of the habit perhaps of emotion, more so than it was of position or standing, that made it so effective.
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[...
He thinks of Van, of the last time he'd heard the righteous pleading and made a choice to refuse and correct the errant ways of a man who had been under his beck and call for years. It feels like yesterday... and, at the same time, like it happened so long ago that he can hardly remember.]
Mm. It's been a while.
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yin yu tilts his head, looking at guy properly. ] You've moved on beyond your position, then?
[ he doesn't sound judgemental or anything. just a little curious. ]
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[hashtag it's complicated]
I do work for His Majesty the Emperor. But it isn't as a servant. It's under the vassalship of my father, now that His Majesty knows I wasn't part of those lost in the slaughter of the war. [He'd stayed hidden all those years for several reasons, but the remains of the scar that had turned that on its head were enough of a reminder of why he'd had to return.]
What remains of my father's estate is now part of His Majesty's affairs. Zygmunt Bizan Gardios's county, the Isle of Hod, completely disappeared during the war and sunk into the ocean, for reasons that many were never told. So while I've returned to my duties to His Majesty in my father's absence of my own volition, it is as a landless lord.
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[ how complicated, indeed. ] Is that what you will return to you, when this is over?
[ a part of him knows that that question could be extended - with young master luke, but that future is so tentative that he's far too wise to say so. ]
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Yeah. Too many people perished in my place for me to entertain anything else anymore. It's not the life I thought I'd go back to. But as the last of my bloodline... well, Gailardia Galan has a lot more to think over for his future than Guy Cecil ever did.
[His grip tightens against his glass.]
...But I won't let a failure on my part lead to my best friend losing his only shot at a second chance. So regardless of what I have to do... I'm not leaving without making sure Luke gets the wish that he earned.
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and besides, guy's resolve is just affirming of their real goals. saving that happy ending, for the people it matters for, for the innocent ones who didn't deserved to be involved at all. people like lady kanroji, somewhere, fast asleep. ]
Therein lies our ultimate goal. I'm with you; it would be unbecoming of the type that we are to leave such a thing unfinished no?
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[Just. Kinda said a little too casually, as he swings his glass back again. The dumbass wasn't exactly subtle about announcing that he was dead in the projections from the mansion, so it doesn't feel wrong to share.
The booze is helping, too, but eh.]
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Master Asch has passed on at home, for the two of you, as well?
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Asch was killed the same day that Luke died, two years ago.
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whoof.
yin yu's brow furrows, briefly, and he looks down into his drink for a moment to let that resonate. truly, how many people were returned back just to play in this farce of a game? ] ...It seems an understatement to say things where you come from are quite complicated.
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But part of Luke's wish at the temple was for Asch to have another chance at life along with him. If Asch would like to spend that life away from Auldrant, then he has every right. His past was robbed from him, as was any future he could have hoped for, so if he doesn't want to return home with me, then that's fine.
I just can't allow him to willingly walk back to his death unless that's truly what he wants. He has people who would gladly take him under their wing so that he can have a life again.
I can't force it on him. And who knows... maybe Luke's wish is being granted simply by Asch having this chance here, as demented as this place is. I just hope he isn't too caught up in his own pain to miss taking that chance, you know?
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...I think this place will have inspired a change in all of us. There's no way to say if that's positive or negative - only time will tell.
[ he leans back a little further against the wall, feathers fluffing outwards to support him as he does. ] Do you think that he'll not return back to your world, then?
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I don't think so, no. As much as I want to take him back, I think there's too many bitter memories he would have to face, ones that don't have an easy resolution. Even if he determined to stand on his own, just like he had tried before, he'd likely still have to live every day being a shadow to his own replica.
Given that the fight that led to his eventual death was to try to settle their own identities between one another, as two separate instances of the boy known as Luke fon Fabre... who knows. I think Asch would rather die than put himself in that position again.
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I do not think anyone would begrudge him for such a thing. I hope in that case that you're correct, Guy.
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Yeah, well. I don't know if I want to be correct or not anymore.
We've been fighting since the day we got here. If I were still alive, he would probably have asked me to kill him at some point. So who knows if he's listened to me, or if he really is still on a suicide march.
It's not my responsibility. He hasn't been my master for almost a decade. As much as I want to make sure he has someone on his side, to make amends somehow... He still expects Guy as a servant, and I think part of me still expects Luke. The old Luke. [The one he wanted to murder.] To put that aside and just try to be Asch and Gailardia... I don't know if it will happen anymore. I can't give him the loyalty he wants without a reason of my own.
[He rubs at his face with one hand, grumbling.]
Wish I had more time to look for one outside of this stupid place.
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It's not as if you had much time to speak to each other over it. [ considering. ] ...Though, I don't think I would have, were I in your shoes: the fact that you may even want to speaks plenty of your character.
[ ...maybe. as ever, his thoughts drift unbidden to quan yizhen, and all of the things he left unsaid. if you asked him before all of this nightmare about yizhen, he would have run in the opposite direction -- he did, in fact, run in the opposite direction when he saw him last -- but...
he's done a lot of growing, lately.
yin yu falls quiet, for a moment lost in his own thoughts, looking down at the liquid in his glass. ]
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...
[He catches that look, letting the silence stretch for a moment.]
I wouldn't say it's a matter of character, Yin Yu. Growth has to happen at some point, even if it's out of regrets or mistakes. Even if you haven't been able to voice just how you stand on the matter, or if your opportunity to fix it has long passed. [Time, or distance, or mortality. A lot of things could eliminate that window of chance.]
If you're putting effort into doing whatever you can to make amends for those regrets, unspoken or otherwise... even if it never reaches those that it was intended to reach, I want to believe that effort is what matters.
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